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PHIL^DCLPHIJ^ 


Copyriylit,  1896,  by  Henky  Altemus. 


hknxy    altemus,    uanufaltlker,    Philadelphia. 


College 
Ubiery 


PR 


1326501 


CONTENTS. 

'^he  Yarn  of  the  "Nancy  Bell" 7 

Captain  Reece 1^ 

The  Bishop  and  the  Busman 17 

The  Folly  of  Brown i^l 

The  Three  Kings  of  Chickeraboo 25 

The  Bishop  of  Rum-ti-Foo '-^ 

""^o  the  Terrestrial  Globe 34 

(ieneral  John 35 

Sir  Gny  the  Crusader 38 

King  Borria  Bungalee  Boo 42 

The  Troubadour 48 

The  Force  of  Argument 53^ 

Only  a  Dancing  Girl 58 

The  Sensation  Captain 61 

The  Periwinlile  Girl <JG 

Bob  Polter 71 

Gentle  Alice  Brown 77 

^Ben  Allah  Achmet 84 

The  Englishman 91 

^The  Disagreeable  Man 92 

The  Modern  Major-General 94 

The  Heavv  Dragoon 97 

Only  Roses lOO 

They'll  None  of  'Em  Be  Missed 101 

The  Policeman's  Lot 104 

An  Appeal 106 

Eheu  Fugaces— ! 107 

A  Recipe 109^ 

The  First  Lord's  Song Ill 

Wlien  a  Merry  Maiden  Marries 113 

The  Suicide's  Grave 115 

He  and  She 117 

The  Lord  Chancellor's  Song 119 

Willow  Waly 121 

The  Usher's  Charge ' '  123, 


Contents. 

Kinjr  Goodheart 124 

The  Tangled  Skein 126 

Girl  Graduates 127 

The  Ape  and  the  Lady 129 

Sans  Souci 131 

The  British  Tar 132 

The  Coming  Bye  and  Bye 133 

The  Sorcerer's  Song 135 

Speculation 139 

The  Duke  of  Plaza-Toro 140 

The  Reward  of  Merit 143 

When  I  First  Put  This  Uniform  On 146 

Said  I  to  Myself,  Said  1 147 

The  Family  Fool 149 

The  Philosophic  Pill 153 

The  Contemplative  Sentry 154 

Sorry  Her  Lot 156 

The  Judge's  Song 157 

True  Diffidence 159 

The  Highly  Respectable  Gondolier 161 

Don't  Forget 164 

The  Darned  Mounseer 167 

The  Humane  Mikado 169 

vThe  House  of  Peers 172 

^he  Esthete 173 

Proper  Pride 176 

The  Baffled  Grumbler 178 

Tlie  Working  Monarch 180 

The  Rover's  Apology 183 

Would  You  Know 184 

The  Magnet  and  the  Chum 185 

Braid  the  Raven  Hair 187 

Is  Life  a  Boon? ].'...  188 

A  Mirage 189 

A  Merry  Madrigal .  191 

The  Love-Sick  Boy ',! 192 


THE  BAB  BALLADS. 


THE  YARN  OF  THE  "NANCY  BELL/' 

'Twas  on  the  shores  that  round  our  coast 

From  Deal  to  Eamsgate  span, 
That  I  found  alone,  on  a  piece  of  stone, 

An  elderly  naval  man. 


His  hair  was  weedy,  his  beard  Avas  long. 

And  weedy  and  long  was  he, 
And  I  heard  this  wight  on  the  shore  rccit^ 

In  a  singular  minor  key: 


"Oh,  I  am  a  cook  and  a  captain  bold. 
And  the  mate  of  the  Nancy  brig. 

And  a  bo'sun  tight,  and  a  midshipraite. 
And  the  crew  of  the  captain's  gig." 


S  The  Bab  Ballads. 

And  he  shook  his  fists  and  he  tore  his  hair. 

Till  I  really  felt  afraid; 
For  I  couldn't  help  thinking  the  man  had 
been  drinking, 

And  so  I  simply  said: 


"Oh,  elderly  man,  it's  little  I  know, 
Of  the  duties  of  men  of  the  sea. 

And  I'll  eat  my  hand  if  I  undei-sLand 
How  you  can  possibly  be 

•**At  once  a  cook,  and  a  captain  bold, 
And  the  mate  of  the  Nanci/  brig. 

And  a  bo'sun  tight  and  a  midshipmite, 
And  the  crew  of  the  captain's  gig." 

Then  he  gave  a  hitch  to  his  trousers,  which 

Is  a  trick  all  seamen  lam, 
And  ha^nng  got  rid  of  a  thumping  quid, 

He  spun  this  painful  yarn: 

■"  'Twas  in  the  good  ship  Nancy  Bell 
That  we  sailed  to  the  Indian  sea. 

And  there  on  a  reef  we  come  to  grief. 
Which  has  often  occurred  to  me. 


The  Yarn  of  the  "Nancy  Bell"  9 

"And  pretty  nigh  all  o*  the  crew  was  drowned 
(There  was  seventy-seven  o'  soul), 

And  only  ten  of  the  Nancy's  men 
Said  'Here!'  to  the  muster  roll. 


"There  was  me  and  the  cook  and  the  captain 
bold, 

And  the  mate  of  the  Nancy  brig, 
And  the  bo'sun  tight  and  a  midshipmite, 

And  the  crew  of  the  captain's  gig. 

"For  a  month  we'd  neither  wittles  nor  drink. 

Till  a-hungry  we  did  feel, 
So,  we  drawed  a  lot,  and,  accordin'  shot 

The  captain  for  our  meal. 


"The  next  lot  fell  to  the  Nancy's  mate, 
And  a  delicate  dish  he  made; 

Then  our  appetite  with  the  midshipmite 
We  seven  survivors  staved. 


"And  then  we  murdered  the  bo'sun  tight, 

And  he  much  resembled  pig; 
Then  \\  e  wittled  free,  did  the  cook  and  me. 

On  the  crew  of  the  captain's  gig. 


10  The  Bah  Ballads. 

"Then  only  the  cook  and  me  was  left. 
And  the  delicate  question,  'Which 

Of  us  two  goes  to  the  kettle?'  arose, 
And  we  argued  it  out  as  sich. 

"For  I  loved  that  cook  as  a  brother,  I  did. 
And  the  cook  he  worshipped  me; 

But  we'd  both  be  blowed  if  we'd  either  be 
stowed 
In  the  other  chap's  hold,  you  see. 

"  'I'll  be  eat  if  you  dines  off  me,'  says  Tom, 

'Yes,  that,'  says  I,  'you'll  be,' — 
I'm  boiled  if  I  die,  my  friend,'  quoth  I, 

And  'Exactly  so,'  quoth  he. 

"Says  he,  'Dear  James,  to  murder  me 

Were  a  foolish  thing  to  do. 
For  don't  yoii  see  that  you  can't  cook  me, 

While  I  can — and  will — cook  you!' 

"So,  he  boils  the  water,  and  takes  the  salt 
And  the  pepper  in  portions  true 

(Which  he  never  forgot),  and  some  chopped 
shalot, 
And  some  sage  and  parsley  too. 


The  Yarn  of  the  "Nancy  Bell"        1 1 

"  'Come  here,'  says  he,  with  a  proper  pride. 

Which  his  smiling  features  tell, 
'  'T  will  soothing  be  if  I  let  you  see. 

How  extremely  nice  you'll  smell.' 

"And  he  stirred  it  round  and  round  and 
round. 
And  he  sniffed  the  foaming  froth; 
When  I  ups  with  his  heels,  and  smothers  his 
squeals 
In  the  scum  of  the  boiling  broth. 

"And  I  eat  that  cook  in  a  week  or  less, 

And — as  I  eating  be 
The  last  of  his  chops,  why  I  almost  drops, 

For  a  wessel  in  sight  I  see. 


*'And  I  never  larf ,  and  I  never  smile. 

And  I  never  lark  nor  play. 
But  I  sit  and  croak,  and  a  single  Joke 

I  have — which  is  to  say: 

"Oh,  I  am  a  cook  and  a  captain  bold, 
And  the  mate  of  the  Nancy  brig, 

And  a  bo'sun  tight,  and  a  midshipmite. 
And  the  crew  of  the  captain's  gig!" 


12  The  Bah  Ballads. 


CAPTAIN  KEECE. 

Of  all  the  ships  upon  the  blue, 
No  ship  contained  a  better  crew 
Than  that  of  worthy  Captain  Reece, 
Commanding  of  The  Mantelpiece. 

He  was  adored  by  all  his  men, 
For  worthy  Captain  Reece,  R.  N., 
Did  all  that  lay  within  him  to 
Promote  the  comfort  of  his  crew. 

If  ever  they  were  dull  or  sad. 
Their  captain  danced  to  them  like  mad. 
Or  told,  to  make  the  time  pass  by. 
Droll  legends  of  his  infancy. 

A  feather  bed  had  every  man. 
Warm  slippers  and  hot-water  can, 
Brown  Windsor  from  the  captain's  store, 
A  valet,  too,  to  every  four. 

Did  they  with  thirst  in  summer  bum? 
Lo,  seltzogenes  at  every  turn, 
And  on  all  very  sultry  days 
Cream  ices  handed  round  on  trays. 


Captain  Reece.  13 

Then  currant  wine  and  ginger  pops 
Stood  handily  on  all  the  "tops:" 
And,  also,  with  amusement  rife, 
A  "Zoetrope,  or  Wheel  of  Life." 

New  vohimes  came  across  the  sea 
From  Mister  Mudie's  libraree; 
The  Times  and  Saturday  Review 
Beguiled  the  leisure  of  the  crew. 

Kind-heartecT  Captain  Reece,  R.  N., 
Was  quite  devoted  to  his  men; 
In  point  of  fact,  good  Captain  Reece 
Beatified  The  Mantelpiece. 

One  summer  eve,  at  half -past  ten. 
He  said  (addressing  all  his  men): 
''Come,  tell  me,  please,  what  I  can  do 
To  please  and  gratify  my  crew. 

"By  any  reasonable  plan 
I'll  make  you  happy  if  I  can; 
My  own  convenience  count  as  nil; 
It  is  my  duty,  and  I  will," 

Then  up  and  answered  William  Lee, 
(The  kindly  captain's  coxswain  he, 
A  nervous,  shy,  low-spoken  man) 
He  cleared  his  throat  and  thus  began: 


14  The  Bah  Ballads. 

"You  have  a  daughter,  Captain  Eeece, 
Ten  female  cousins  and  a  niece, 
A  ma,  if  what  I'm  told  is  true, 
Six  sisters,  and  an  aunt  or  two. 

"Now,  somehow,  sir,  it  seems  to  me, 
More  friendly-like  we  all  should  be, 
If  you  united  of  'em  to 
Unmarried  members  of  the  crew. 

"If  you*d  ameliorate  our  life. 
Let  each  select  from  them  a  wife; 
And  as  for  nervous  me,  old  pal, 
Give  me  your  own  enchanting  gal!" 

Good  Captain  Reece,  that  worthy  man. 
Debated  on  his  coxswain's  plan : 
"I  quite  agree,"  he  said,  "0  Bill; 
It  is  my  duty,  and  I  will. 

"My  daughter,  that  enchanting  gurl. 
Has  just  been  promised  to  an  earl, 
And  all  my  other  familee 
To  peers  of  various  degree. 

"But  what  are  dukes  and  viscounts  to 
The  happiness  of  all  my  crew  ? 


Captain  Reece.  15 

The  word  I  gave  you  I'll  fulfil; 
It  is  my  duty,  and  I  will. 

"As  you  desire  it  shall  befall, 
I'll  settle  thousands  on  you  all, 
And  I  shall  be,  despite  my  hoard. 
The  only  bachelor  on  board." 

The  boatswain  of  The  Mantelpiece, 
He  blushed  and  spoke  to  Captain  lieece: 
"I  beg  your  honor's  leave,"  he  said, 
"If  you  wish  to  go  and  wed, 

"I  have  a  widowed  mother  who 
Would  be  the  very  thing  for  you — 
She  long  has  loved  you  from  afar. 
She  washes  for  you,  Captain  R." 

The  captain  saw  the  dame  that  day — 
Addressed  her  in  his  playful  way — 
"And  did  it  want  a  wedding  ring? 
It  was  a  tempting  ickle  sing! 

"Well,  well,  the  chaplain  I  will  seek, 
We'll  all  be  married  this  day  week — 
At  yonder  church  upon  the  hill; 
It  is  my  duty,  and  I  will!" 


16 


The  Bab  Ballads. 


The  sisters,  cousins,  aunts,  and  niece. 
And  widowed  raa  of  Captain  Reece, 
Attended  there  as  they  were  bid; 
It  was  their  duty,  and  they  did. 


The  Bishop  and  the  Busman.         17 


THE  BISHOP  AND  THE  BUSMAN. 

It  was  a  Bishop  bold, 

And  London  was  his  see. 
He  was  short  and  stout  and  round  about. 

And  zealous  as  could  be. 


It  also  was  a  Jew, 

Who  drove  a  Putney  bus — 
For  flesh  of  swine  however  fine 

He  did  not  care  a  cuss. 


His  name  was  Hash  Baz  Ben, 

And  Jedediah  too, 
And  Solomon  and  Zabulon — 

This  bus-directing  Jew. 


The  Bishop  said,  said  he, 

"I'll  see  what  I  can  do 
To  Christianize  and  make  you  wise. 

You  poor  benighted  Jew." 


18  The  Bah  Ballads. 

So  every  blessed  day 

That  bus  he  rode  outside. 
From  Fulliam  town,  both  up  and  down, 

And  loudly  thus  he  cried: — 


"His  name  is  Hash  Baz  Ben, 

And  Jedediah  too, 
And  Solomon  and  Zabulon — 

This  bus-directing  Jew." 


At  first  the  busman  smiled, 
And  rather  liked  the  fun — 

He  merely  smiled,  that  Hebrew  child. 
And  said,  "Eccentric  one!" 


And  gay  yoiing  dogs  would  wait 

To  see  the  bus  go  by 
(These  gay  young  dogs  in  striking  togs) 

To  hear  the  Bishop  cry: — 


"Observe  his  grisly  beard, 
His  race  it  clearly  shows, 

He  sticks  no  fork  in  ham  or  pork — 
Observe,  myfriends,  his  nose. 


The  Bishop  and  the  Busman.  19 

*'IIis  name  is  Hash  Baz  Ben, 

And  Jedediah  too, 
And  Solomon  and  Zabulon — 

This  bus-directing  Jew/' 


5       But  though  at  first  amused, 
}  Yet  after  seven  years, 

This  Hebrew  child  got  awful  riled. 
And  busted  into  tears. 


He  really  almost  feared 

To  leave  his  poor  abode, 
His  nose,  and  name,  and  beard  became 

A  byword  on  that  road. 


At  length  he  swore  an  oath. 

The  reason  he  would  know — 
^Tll  call  and  see  why  ever  he 

Does  persecute  me  so." 


The  good  old  bishop  sat 

On  his  ancestral  chair, 
The  busman  came,  sent  up  his  name. 

And  laid  his  grievance  bare. 


20  The  Bab  Ballads. 

"Benighted  Jew,"  he  said, 
(And  chuckled  loud  with  joy) 

"Be  Christian  you,  instead  of  Jew — 
Become  a  Christian  boy. 


*I'll  ne'er  annoy  you  more." 

"Indeed  ?"  replied  the  Jew. 
'Shall  I  be  freed?"     "You  will,  indeed!" 

Then  "Done!"  said  he,  "with  you!" 


The  organ  which,  in  man. 
Between  the  eyebrows  grows. 

Fell  from  his  face,  and  in  its  place. 
He  found  a  Christian  nose. 


His  tangled  Hebrew  beard. 
Which  to  his  waist  came  down, 

Was  now  a  pair  of  whiskers  fair — 
His  name,  Adolphus  Brown. 


He  wedded  in  a  year, 

That  prelate's  daughter  Jane; 
He's.gro^^^l  quite  fair — has  auburn  hair- 

His  wife  is  far  from  plain. 


The  Folly  of  Brown.  21 

THE  FOLLY  OF  BROWN. 

BY   A   GENERAL  AGENT. 

I  knew  a  boor — a  clownish  card, 

(His  only  friends  were  pigs  and  cows  and 
The  poultry  of  a  small  farmyard) 

Who  came  into  two  hundred  thousand. 

Good  fortune  worked  no  change  in  Brown, 
Though  she's  a  mighty  social  chymist: 

He  was  a  clown — and  by  a  clown 
I  do  not  mean  a  pantomimist. 

It  left  him  quiet,  calm,  and  cool, 

Though  hardly  knowing  what  a  crown 
was — 
You  can't  imagine  what  a  fool 

Poor  rich,  uneducated  Brown  was! 

He  scouted  all  who  wished  to  come 
And  give  him  monetary  schooling; 

And  I  propose  to  give  you  some 
Idea  of  his  insensate  fooling. 


22  The  Bah  Ballads. 

I  formed  a  company  or  two — 

(Of  course  I  den't  know  what  the  rest 
meant, 
/  formed  them  solely  with  a  view 

To  help  him  to  a  sound  investment). 

Their  objects  were — their  only  cares — 
T6  justify  their  Boards  in  showing 

A  handsome  dividend  on  shares, 

And  keep  their  good  promoter  going. 

But  no — the  lout  prefers  his  brass, 
Though  shares  at  par  I  freely  proffer: 

Yes — will  it  be  beheved? — the  ass 

Declines, with  thanks,  my  well-meant  offer! 

He  added,  with,  a  bumpkin's  grin, 

(A  weakly  intellect  denoting) 
He'd  rather  not  invest  it  in 

A  company  of  my  promoting! 

"You  have  two  hundred  'thou'  or  more," 
Said  I.     ''You'll  waste  it,  lose  it,  lend  it: 

Come,  take  my  furnished  second  floor, 
I'll  gladly  show  you  how  to  spend  it." 

But  will  it  be  believed  that  he, 
With  grin  upon  his  face  of  poppy. 


The  Folly  of  Brown.  23 

Declined  my  aid,  while  thanking  me 

For  what  he  called  my  "philanthroppy?" 

Some  blind,  suspicious  fools  rejoice 

In  doubting  friends  who  wouldn't  harm 
them; 

They  will  not  hear  the  charmer's  voice. 
However  wisely  he  may  charm  them. 

I  showed  him  that  his  coat,  all  dust. 

Top  boots  and  cords  provoked  compassion, 

And  proved  that  men  of  station  must 
Conform  to  the  decrees  of  fashion. 

I  showed  him  where  to  buy  his  hat, 

To  coat  him,  trouser  him,  and  boot  him; 

But  no — he  wouldn't  hear  of  that — 

"He  didn't  think  the  style  would  suit  him!" 

I  offered  him  a  country  seat. 
And  made  no  end  of  an  oration; 

I  made  it  certainly  complete. 
And  introduced  the  deputation. 

But  no — the  clown  my  prospects  blights — 
(The  worth  of  birth  it  surely  teaches!) 

*'T\''hy  should  I  want  to  spend  my  nights 
In  Parliament,  a-making  speeches? 


24  The  Bah  Ballads. 

"I  haven't  never  been  to  school — 

I  ain't  had  not  no  eddication — 
And  I  should  surely  be  a  fool 

To  publish  that  to  all  the  nation!" 

I  offered  him  a  trotting  horse — 
No  hack  had  ever  trotted  faster — 

I  also  offered  him,  of  course, 
A  rare  and  curious  "old  Master." 

I  offered  to  procure  him  weeds — 
Wines  fit  for  one  in  his  position — 

But,  though  an  ass  in  all  his  deeds, 
He'd  learnt  the  meaning  of  "commission/ 

He  called  me  "thief"  the  other  day, 
And  daily  from  his  door  he  thrusts  me; 

Much  more  of  this,  and  soon  I  may 

Begin  to  think  that  Brown  mistrusts  me. 

So  deaf  to  all  sound  Reason's  rule 
This  poor  uneducated  clown  is, 

You  cannot  fancy  what  a  fool 
Poor  rich  uneducated  Brown  is. 


The  Three  Kinys  of  Chickerahoo.       25 


THE    THREE    KINGS    OF    CHICKER- 
ABOO. 

There  were  three  niggers  of  Chickerahoo — 
Pacifico,  Bang- Bang,  Popchop — who 

Exclaimed,  one  terribly  sultry  day, 
"Oh,  let's  be  kings  in  a  humble  way." 

The  first  was  a  highly-accomplished  "bones," 

The  next  elicited  banjo  tones. 
The  third  was  a  quiet,  retiring  chap. 

Who    danced    an    excellent    break-down 
"flap/' 

**We  niggers,"  said  they,  **have  formed  a  plan 
By  which,  whenever  we  like,  we  can 
Extemporize  islands  near  the  beach. 
And  then  we'll  collar  an  island  each. 

*'Three  casks,  from  somebody  else's  stores, 
Shall  rep-per-esent  our  island  shores. 
Their  sides  the  ocean  wide  shall  lave. 
Their  heads  just  topping  the  briny  wave. 


26  The  Bab  Ballads. 

*'Great  Britain's  navy  scours  the  sea, 
And  everywhere  her  ships  they  be, 
She'll  recognize  our  rank,  perhaps, 
When  she  discovers  we're  Royal  Chaps. 


"If  to  her  skirts  you  want  to  cling, 
It's  quite  sufficient  that  you're  a  king; 
She  does  not  push  inquiry  far 
To  learn  what  sort  of  king  you  are." 


A  ship  of  several  thousand  tons, 
And  mounting  seventy-something  guns, 
Ploughed,  every  year,  the  ocean  blue, 
Discovering  kings  and  countries  new. 


The  brave  Rear- Admiral  Bailey  Pip, 
Commanding  that  superior  ship. 
Perceived  one  day,  his  glasses  through. 
The  kings  that  came  from  Chickeraboo. 


"Dear  eyes!"  said  Admiral  Pip,  "I  see 
Three  flourishing  islands  on  our  lee. 
And,  bless  me!  most  extror'nary  thingi 
On  every  island  stands  a  king! 


The  Three  Kings  of  Chickeraboo.       27 

*'Come,  lower  the  Admirars  gig,"  he  cried, 
"And  over  the  dancing  waves  I'll  glide; 
That  low  obeisance  I  may  do 
To  those  three  kings  of  Chickeraboo!" 


The  admiral  pulled  to  the  islands  three; 
The  kings  saluted  him  graciousfee. 
The  admiral,  pleased  at  his  welcome  warm, 
Pulled  out  a  printed  Alliance  form. 


^Tour  Majesty,  sign  me  this,  I  pray — 
I  come  in  a  friendly  kind  of  way — 
I  come,  if  you  please,  with  the  best  intents, 
And  Queen  Victoria's  compliments." 


The  kings  were  pleased  as  they  well  could  be; 
The  most  retiring  of  all  the  three, 
In  a  "cellar-flap"  to  his  joy  gave  vent      ' 
With  a  banjo-bones  accompaniment. 


The  great  Rear-Admiral  Bailey  Pip 
Embarked  on  board  his  jolly  big  ship, 
Blue  Peter  flew  from  his  lofty  fore. 
And  off  he  sailed  to  his  native  shore. 


28  The  Bah  Ballads. 

Admiral  Pip  directly  went 
To  the  Lord  at  the  head  of  the  Government, 
"Who  made  him,  by  a  stroke  of  a  quill. 
Baron  de  Pippe,  of  Pippetonneville. 


The  College  of  Heralds  permission  yield 
That  he  should  quarter  upon  his  shield 
Three  islands,  vert,  on  a  field  of  blue. 
With  the  pregnant  motto  "Chickeraboo." 


Ambassadors,  yes,  and  attaches,  too, 
Are  going  to  sail  for  Chickeraboo. 
And,  see,  on  the  good  ship's  crowded  deck, 
A  bishop,  who's  going  out  there  on  spec. 


And  let  us  all  hope  that  blissful  things 
May  come  of  alliance  with  darkey  kings. 
Oh,  may  we  never,  whatever  we  do, 
Declare  a  war  with  Chickeraboo! 


The  Bishop  of  Rum-ti-Foo.  29 


THE   BISHOP   OF   RUM-TI-FOO. 

FYom  east  and  south  the  holy  clan 
Of  bishops  gathered,  to  a  man; 
To  synod,  called  Pan-Anglican; 

In  flocking  crowds  they  came. 
Among  them  was  a  Bishop,  who 
Had  lately  })een  appointed  to 
The  balmy  isle  of  Rum-ti-Foo, 

And  Peter  was  his  name. 


30  The  Bah  Ballads. 

His  people — twenty-three  in  sum — 
They  played  the  eloquent  tum-tum 
And  lived  on  scalps  served  up  in  rum — 

The  only  sauce  they  knew. 
When  first  good  Bishop  Peter  came 
(For  Peter  was  that  Bishop's  name). 
To  humor  them,  he  did  the  same 

As  they  of  Rum-ti-Foo. 


His  flock,  I've  often  heard  him  tell, 
(His  name  was  Peter)  loved  him  well. 
And  summoned  hy  the  sound  of  bell, 

In  crowds  together  came. 
"Oh,  massa,  why  you  go  away? 
Oh,  Massa  Peter,  please  to  stay." 
(They  called  him  Peter,  people  say, 

Because  it  was  his  name.) 


He  told  them  all  good  boys  to  be, 
And  sailed  away  across  the  sea. 
At  London  Bridge  that  Bishop  he 

Arrived  one  Tuesday  night — 
And  as  that  night  he  homeward  strode 
To  his  Pan-Anglican  abode, 
He  passed  along  the  Borough  Road 

And  saw  a  gruesome  sight. 


The  Bishop  of  Rum-ti-Foo.  31 

He  saw  a  crowd  assembled  round 
A  person  dancing  on  the  ground, 
Who  straight  began  to  leap  and  bound 

With  all  his  might  and  main. 
To  see  that  dancing  man  he  stopped. 
Who    twirled    and    wriggled,    skipped    and 

hopped, 
Then  down  incontinently  dropped, 

And  then  sprang  up  again. 

The  Bishop  chuckled  at  the  sight, 
*'This  style  of  dancing  would  delight 
A  simple  Rum-ti-Foozle-ite. 

I'll  learn  it,  if  I  can, 
To  please  the  tribe  when  I  eet  back." 
He  begged  the  man  to  teach  his  knack. 
"Right  Reverend  Sir,  in  half  a  crack," 

Replied  that  dancing  man. 

The  dancing  man  he  worked  away 
And  taught  the  Bishop  every  day — 
The  dancer  skipped  like  any  fay — 

Good  Peter  did  the  same. 
The  Bishop  buckled  to  his  task 
With  battements,  cuts,  and  pas  (fc  basque 
(I'll  tell  you,  if  you  care  to  ask. 

That  Peter  was  his  name). 


32  The  Bab  Ballads. 

''Come,  walk  like  this,"  the  dancer  said, 
"Stick  out  your  toes — stick  in  your  head. 
Stalk  on  with  quick,  galvanic  tread — 

Your  fingers  thus  extend; 
The  attitude's  considered  quaint." 
The  weary  Bishop,  feeling  faint, 
Replied,  "I  do  not  say  it  ain't, 

But  'Time!'  my  Christian  friend!'* 


"We  now  proceed  to  something  new — 

Dance  as  the  Paynes  and  Lauris  do. 

Like  this — one,  two — one,  two — one,  two." 

The  Bishop,  never  proud. 
But  in  an  overwhelming  heat 
(His  name  was  Peter,  I  repeat). 
Performed  the  Payne  and  Lauri  feat, 

And  puffed  his  thanks  aloud. 


Another  game  the  dancer  planned — 
"Just  take  your  ankle  in  your  hand, 
And  try,  my  lord,  if  you  can  stand — 

Your  body  stiif  and  stark. 
If,  when  revisiting  your  see. 
You  learnt  to  hop  on  shore — like  me — 
The  novelty  must  striking  be, 

And  must  excite  remark." 


The  Bishop  of  Ru m-ti-Foo.  Z3^ 

"No,"  said  the  worthy  Bishop,  "No; 
That  is  a  length  to  which,  I  trow, 
Colonial  Bishops  cannot  go. 

You  may  express  surprise 
At  finding  Bishops  deal  in  pride — 
But,  if  that  trick  I  ever  tried,  , 

I  should  appear  undignified  * 

In  Eum-ti-Foozle's  eyes. 


"The  islanders  of  Rum-ti-Foo 
Are  well-conducted  persons,  who 
Approve  a  joke  as  much  as  you. 

And  laugh  at  it  as  such; 
But  if  they  saw  their  Bishop  land, 
His  leg  supported  in  his  hand, 
The  joke  they  wouldn't  understand — 

'Twould  pain  them  very  much!** 


34  The  Bah  Ballads. 

TO   THE   TEKEESTEIAL   GLOBE.-- 

BY  A  MI8EEABLE  WRETCH. 

Roll  on,  thou  ball,  roll  on! 
Through  pathless  realms  of  Space 

Roll  on! 
What,  though  I'm  in  a  sorry  case? 
What,  though  I  cannot  meet  my  bills? 
What,  though  I  suffer  toothache's  ills? 
What,  though  I  swallow  countless  pills? 
Never  you  mind! 

Roll  on! 


Roll  on,  thou  ball,  roll  on! 
Through  seas  of  inky  air 

Roll  on! 
It's  true  I've  got  no  shirts  to  wear; 
It's  true  my  butcher's  bill  is  due; 
It's  true  my  prospects  all  look  blue 
But  don't  let  that  unsettle  you! 
Never  you  mind! 

Roll  on! 


(It  rolls  on. 


General  John.  35 


GENEEAL  JOHI^. 

The  bravest  names  for  fire  and  flames. 

And  all  that  mortal  durst, 
Were  General  John  and  Private  James, 

Of  the  Sixty-seventy-first. 


General  John  was  a  soldier  tried, 

A  chief  of  warlike  dons; 
A  haughty  stride  and  a  withering  pride 

Were  Major-General  John's. 


A  sneer  would  play  on  his  martial  phiz, 

Superior  birth  to  show; 
"Pish!"  was  a  favorite  word  of  his. 

And  he  often  said  "Ho!  ho!" 


Full-Private  James  described  might  be. 
As  a  man  of  a  moiirnf  ul  mind; 

No  characteristic  trait  had  he 
Of  any  distinctive  kind. 


--36  The  Bab  Ballads. 

From  the  ranks,  one  day,  cried  Private  James, 

"Oh!  Major-General  John, 
I've  doubts  of  our  respective  names. 

My  mournful  mind  upon. 


"A  glimmering  thought  occurs  to  me, 
(Its  source  I  can't  unearth) 

But  I've  a  kind  of  notion  we 
Were  cruelly  changed  at  birth. 


■**I've  a  strange  idea,  each  other's  names 

That  we  have  each  got  on. 
Such  things  have  been,"  said  Private  James. 

"They  have!"  sneered  General  John. 


"My  General  John,  I  swear  upon 

My  oath  I  think  'tis  so" 

'*Pish!"  proudly  sneered  his  General  John, 

And  he  also  said  "Ho!  ho!" 


^Td!y  General  John!  my  General  John! 

My  General  John!"  quoth  he, 
"This  aristocratical  sneer  upon 

Your  face  I  blush  to  see! 


General  John.  ST 

"No  truly  great  or  generous  cove 

Deserving  of  them  names 
Would  sneer  at  a  fixed  idea  that's  drove 

In  the  mind  of  a  Private  James!" 


Said  General  John,  "Upon  your  claims 
Xo  need  your  breath  to  waste; 

If  this  is  a  joke,  Full-Private  James, 
It's  a  joke  of  doubtful  taste. 


"But  being  a  man  of  doubtless  worth, 

If  you  feel  certain  quite 
That  we  were  probably  changed  at  birth, 

I'll  venture  to  say  you're  right." 


So  General  John  as  Private  James 

Fell  in,  parade  upon; 
And  Private  James,  by  change  of  names, 

Was  Major-General  John. 


38  The  Bah  Ballads. 


SIR  GUY  THE  CRUSADEK. 

Sir  Guy  was  a  doughty  crusader, 

A  muscular  knight, 

Ever  ready  to  fight, 
A  very  determined  invader, 
And  Dickey  de  Lion's  delight. 


Lenore  was  a  Saracen  maiden, 
Brunette,  statuesque. 
The  reverse  of  grotesque; 

Her  pa  was  a  bagman  at  Aden, 

Her  mother  she  played  in  burlesque. 


A  coryphee  pretty  and  loyal, 
In  amber  and  red. 
The  ballet  she  led; 
Her  mother  performed  at  the  Royal, 
Lenore  at  the  Saracen's  Head. 


Sir  Guy  the  Crusader.  39 

Of  face  and  of  figure  majestic, 

She  dazzled  the  cits 

Ecstaticized  pits; — 
Her  troubles  were  only  domestic. 
But  drove  her  half  out  of  her  wits. 


Her  father  incessantly  lashed  her. 
On  water  and  bread 
She  was  grudgingly  fed; 

"Whenever  her  father  he  thrashed  her 
Her  mother  sat  down  on  her  head. 


Guy  saw  her,  and  loved  her,  with  reason, 
For  beauty  so  bright, 
Set  him  mad  with  delight; 

lie  purchased  a  stall  for  the  season 
And  sat  in  it  every  night. 


His  views  were  exceedingly  proper; 
He  wanted  to  wed, 
So  he  called  at  her  shed 

And  saw  her  progenitor  whop  her — 
Her  mother  sit  down  on  her  head. 


40  The  Bah  Ballads. 

"So  pretty,"  said  he,  "and  so  trusting! 
You  brute  of  a  dad, 
You  unprincipled  cad, 

Your  conduct  is  really  disgusting. 
Come,  come,  now,  admit  it's  too  bad! 


"You're  a  turbaned  old  Turk,  and  malignant; 

Your  daughter  Lenore 

I  intensely  adore 
And  I  cannot  help  feeling  indignant, 
A  fact  that  I  hinted  before. 


■**To  see  a  fond  father  employing 

A  deuce  of  a  kneut 

For  to  bang  her  about, 
To  a  sensitive  lover's  annoying." 

Said  the  bagman,  "Crusader,  get  out!' 


Says  Guy,  "Shall  a  warrior  laden 
With  a  big  spiky  knob. 
Stand  idly  and  sob. 
While  a  beautiful  Saracen  maiden 
Is  whipped  by  a  Saracen  snob? 


Sir  Guy  the  Crusader.  41 

"To  London  I'll  go  from  my  charmer." 
Wliich  he  did,  with  his  loot 
(Seven  hats  and  a  Ante), 

And  was  nahbed  for  his  Sydenham  armor- 
At  Mr.  Ben-Samuel's  suit. 


Sir  Guy  he  was  lodged  in  the  Compter, 
Her  pa,  in  a  rage. 
Died  (don't  know  his  age), 

His  daughter,  she  married  the  prompter. 
Grew  bulky  and  quitted  the  stage. 


Tlie  Bah  Ballads 


KING  BORRIA  BUNGALEE  BOO. 

King  Borria  Bungalee  Boo 

Was  a  man-eating  African  swell; 
His  sigh  was  a  hullaballoo. 


King  Borria  Bungalee  Boo.  43 

His  whisper  a  horrible  yell — ■ 
A  horrible,  horrible  yell! 

Four  subjects,  and  all  of  them  male, 
To  Borria  doubled  the  knee. 

They  were  once  on  a  far  larger  scale. 
But  he'd  eaten  the  balance,  you  see 
("Scale"  and  "balance"  is  punning,  you 
see.) 

There  was  haughty  Pish-Tush-Pooh-Bah, 
There  was  lumbering  Doodle-Dum-Deh, 

Despairing  Alack-a-Dey-Ah, 

And  good  little  Tootle-Tum-Teh— 
Exemplary  Tootle-Tum-Teh. 

One  day  there  was  grief  in  the  crew. 
For  they  hadn't  a  morsel  of  meat. 

And  Borria  Bungalee  Boo 

Was  dying  for  something  to  eat — 
"Come,  provide  me  with  something  to  eat  I" 

"Alack-a-Dey,  famished  I  feel; 

Oh,  good  little  Tootle-Tum-Teh, 
Whese  on  eari;h  shall  I  look  for  a  meal? 

For  I  haven't  no  dinner  to-day! — 

Not  a  morsel  of  dinner  to-day! 


44  The  Bab  Ballads. 

*TDear  Tootle-Tum,  what  shall  we  do? 

Come,  get  us  a  meal,  or  in  truth. 
If  you  don't  we  shall  have  to  eat  you. 

Oh,  adorable  friend  of  our  youth! 

Thou  beloved  little  friend  of  our  youth!'* 

And  he  answered,  "Oh  Bungalee  Boo, 
For  a  moment  I  hope  you  will  wait — 

Tippy- Wippity  Tol-the-Rol-Loo 

Is  the  queen  of  a  neighboring  state — 
A  remarkably  neighboring  state. 

"Tippy- Wippity  Tol-the-Rol-Loo, 
She  would  pickle  deliciously  cold — 

And  her  four  pretty  Amazons,  too. 
Are  enticing,  and  not  very  old — 
Twenty-seven  is  not  very  old. 

"There  is  neat  little  Titty-Fol-Leh, 
There  is  rollicking  Tral-the-Eal-Lah, 

There  is  jocular  Waggety-Weh, 

There  is  musical  Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah — 
There's  the  nightingale  Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah!'* 

So  the  forces  of  Bungalee  Boo 

Marched  forth  in  a  terrible  row. 
And  th6  ladies  who  fought  for  Queen  Loo 


King  Borria  Bungalee  Boo.  45 

Prepared  to  encounter  the  foe — 
This  dreadful  insatiate  foe! 


But  they  sharpened  no  weapons  at  all, 
And  they  poisoned  no  arrows — not  they! 

They  made  ready  to  conquer  or  fall 
In  a  totally  diil'erent  wav — 
An  entirely  different  way. 

With  a  crimson  and  pearly- white  dye 

They  endeavored  to  make  themselves  fair. 

With  black  they  encircled  each  eye. 

And  with  yellow  they  painted  their  hair 
(It  was  wool,  but  they  thought  it  was  hair). 

And  the  forces  they  met  in  the  field — 
And  the  men  of  King  Borria  said, 

*'Amazonians,  immediately  yield!" 

And  their  arrows  they  drew  to  the  head. 
Yes,  drew  them  right  up  to  the  head. 

But  jocular  Waggety-Weh, 
Ogled  Doodle-Dum-Deh  (which  was  wrong) 
And  neat  little  Titty-Fol-Leh, 
Said,  "Tootle-Tum,  you  go  along! 
You  naughty  old  dear,  go  along!" 


46  The  Bab  Ballads. 

And  rollicking  Tral-the-Ral-Lah 

Tapped  Alack-a-Dey-Ah  with  her  fan; 
And  musical  Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah, 
Said  "Pish,  go  away,  you  bad  man! 
Go  awa}^  you  delightful  young  man!" 


And  the  Amazons  simpered  and  sighed, 

And  they  ogled,  and  giggled,  and  flushed. 
And  they  opened  their  pretty  eyes  wide. 
And    they    chuckled,    and    flirted,    and 

blushed 
(At    least,   if    they   could,   they'd   have 
blushed). 


But  haughty  Pish-Tush-Pooh-Bah 

Said,  "Alack-a-Dey,  what  does  this  mean?" 

And  despairing  Alack-a-Dey-Ah 

Said,  "They  think  us  uncommonly  green. 
Ha!  ha!  most  uncommonly  green!" 


Even  blundering  Doodle-Dum-Deh 
Was  insensible  quite  to  their  leers, 

And  said  good  little  Tootle-Tum-Teh, 
"It's  your  blood  we  desire,  pretty  dears — 
We  have  come  for  our  dinners,  my  dears!'* 


King  Borria  Bungalee  Boo.  47 

And  the  Queen  of  the  Amazons  fell 
To  Borria  Bungalee  Boo, 

In  a  mouthful  he  gulped,  with  a  yell, 
Tippy- Wippity  Tol-the-Rol-Loo— 
The  pretty  Queen  Tol-the-Rol-Loo. 


And  neat  little  Titty-Fol-Leh 
Was  eaten  by  Pish-Pooh-Bah, 

And  light-hearted  Waggety-Weh 
By  dismal  Alack-a-Deh-Ah — 
Despairing  Alack-a-Deh-Ah. 


And  rollicking  Tral-the-Ral-Lah 
Was  eaten  bv  Doodle-Dum-Deh, 

And  musical  Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah 
By  good  little  Tootle-Tum-Teh— 
Exemplary  Tootle-Tum-Teh! 


48  The  Bah  Ballads. 


THE  TROUBADOUR. 

A  troubadour  he  played 
Without  a  castle  wall, 

Within,  a  hapless  maid 
Responded  to  his  call. 


"Oh,  willow,  woe  is  me! 

Alack  and  well-a-dayl 
If  I  were  only  free 

rd  hie  me  far  away!" 


Unknown  her  face  and  name. 
But  this  he  knew  right  well. 

The  maiden's  wailing  came 
From  out  a  dungeon  cell. 


A  hapless  woman  lay 

Within  that  dungeon  grim — 
That  fact,  I've  heard  him  say, 

Was  quite  enough  for  him. 


The  Troubadour.  4^ 


"I  will  not  sit  or  lie, 
Or  eat  or  drink,  I  vow, 

Till  thou  art  free  as  I, 
Or  I  as  pent  as  thou." 


Her  tears  then  ceased  to  flow. 
Her  wails  no  longer  rang. 

And  tuneful  in  her  woe 
The  prisoned  maiden  sang: 


"Oh,  stranger,  as  you  play 
I  recognize  your  touch; 

And  all  that  I  can  say 

Is,  thank  you  very  much." 


He  seized  his  clarion  straight, 

And  hlew  thereat,  until 
A  warden  oped  the  gate, 

"Oh,  what  might  be  your  will?" 


"I've  come,  sir  knave,  to  see 
The  master  of  these  halls: 

A  maid  unwillingly 
Lies  prisoned  in  their  walls. 


60  The  Bab  Ballads. 

With  barely  stifled  sigh 

That  porter  drooped  his  head, 

With  teardrops  in  Ms  eye, 
"A  many,  sir,"  he  said. 


He  stayed  to  hear  no  more, 
But  pushed  that  porter  by. 

And  shortly  stood  before 
Sir  Hugh  de  Peckham  Rye. 


Sir  Hugh  he  darkly  frowned, 
"What  would  you,  sir,  with  me?" 

The  troubadour  he  downed 
Upon  his  bended  knee. 


"I've  come,  De  Peckham  Rye, 
To  do  a  Christian  task; 

You  ask  me  what  would  I? 
It  is  not  much  I  ask. 


"Release  these  maidens,  sir, 
Whom  you  dominion  o'er — 

Particularly  her 

Upon  the  second  floor. 


The  Troubadour.  51 

"And  if  you  don't,  my  lord" — 

He  here  stood  bolt  upright. 
And  tapped  a  tailor's  sword — 

"Come  out,  you  cad,  and  fight!" 


Sir  Hugh  he  called — and  ran 
The  warden  from  the  gate: 

*'Go,  show  this  gentleman 
The  maid  in  forty-eight." 


By  many  a  cell  they  past, 
And  stopped  at  length  before 

A  portal,  bolted  fast: 

The  man  unlocked  the  door. 


He  called  inside  the  gate 

With  coarse  and  brutal  shout, 

"Come,  step  it,  Forty-eight!" 
And  Forty-eight  stepped  out. 


"They  gets  it  pretty  hot. 

The  maidens  what  we  cotch — 
Two  years  this  lady's  got 

For  collaring  a  wotch." 


52  The  Bab  Ballads. 

"Oh,  ah!— indeed— I  see," 
The  troubadour  exclaimed — 

*1i  I  may  make  so  free, 
How  is  this  castle  named?" 


The  warden's  eyelids  fill. 
And  sighing,  he  replied, 

"Of  gloomy  Pentonville 
This  is  the  female  side!" 


The  minstrel  did  not  wait 
The  warden  stout  to  thank, 

But  recollected  straight 
He'd  business  at  the  Bank. 


The  Force  of  Argument.  53 


THE  FORCE  OF  ARGUMENT. 

Lord  B.  was  a  nobleman  bold, 
Who  came  of  illustrious  stocks, 

He  was  thirty  or  forty  years  old. 
And  several  feet  in  his  socks. 


To  Tumiptopville-by-the-Sea 
This  elegant  nobleman  went. 

For  that  was  a  borough  that  he 
Was  anxious  to  rep-per-re-sent. 


At  local  assemblies  he  danced 
Until  he  felt  thoroughly  ill — 

He  waltzed,  and  he  galloped,  and  lanced. 
And  threaded  the  mazy  quadrille. 


The  maidens  of  Turniptopville 
Were  simple — ingenuous — pure — 

And  they  all  worked  away  with  a  will 
The  nobleman's  heart  to  secure. 


54  The  Bah  Ballads. 

Two  maidens  all  others  beyond 

Imagined  their  chances  looked  well — 

The  one  was  the  lively  Ann  Pond, 
The  other  sad  Marv  Morell. 


?  Ann  Pond  had  determined  to  try 
And  carry  the  Earl  with  a  rush, 
I  Her  principal  feature  was  eye, 
[      Her  greatest  accomplishment — gush. 

And  Mary  chose  this  for  her  play. 

Whenever  he  looked  in  her  eye 
She'd  blush  and  turn  quickly  away. 

And  flitter  and  flutter  and  sigh. 

It  was  noticed  he  constantly  sighed 

As  she  worked   out  the   scheme  she  had 
planned — 

A  fact  he  endeavored  to  hide 
With  his  aristocratical  hand. 

Old  Pond  was  a  farmer,  they  say, 
And  so  was  old  Tommy  Morrell. 

In  a  humble  and  pottering  way 
They  were  doing  exceedingly  well. 


The  Force  of  Argument.  55 

They  both  of  them  carried  by  vote 

The  Earl  was  a  dangerous  man. 
So  nervously  clearing  his  throat, 

One  morning  old  Tommy  began: 


''*]SiIy  darter's  no  pratty  young  doll — 
I'm  a  plain-spoken  Zommerzet  man — • 

Now  what  do  'ee  mean  by  my  Poll, 
And  what  do  'ee  mean  by  his  Ann?" 


Said  B.,  "I  will  give  you  my  bond 
I  mean  them  uncommonly  well, 

Believe  me,  my  excellent  Pond, 
And  credit  me,  worthy  Morell. 

'It's  quite  indisputable,  for 
I'll  prove  it  with  singular  ease, 

You  shall  have  it  in  'Barbara'  or 
*Celarent' — whichever  you  please. 


"You  see,  when  an  anchorite  bows 
To  the  yoke  of  intentional  sin — 

If  the  state  of  the  country  allows, 
Homogeny  always  steps  in. 


56  The  Bah  Ballads. 

'It's  a  highly  sesthetical  bond, 

As  any  mere  ploughboy  can  tell" — 

*'0f  course,"  replied  puzzled  old  Pond. 
"I  see,"  said  old  Tommy  Morell. 


■"Very  good  then,"  continued  the  lord, 
"When  its  fooled  to  the  top  of  its  bent, 

With  a  sweep  of  a  Damocles  sword 
The  web  of  intention  is  rent. 


''That's  patent  to  all  of  us  here, 
As  any  mere  schoolboy  can  tell." 

Pond  answered,  "Of  course  it's  quite  clear;' 
And  so  did  that  humbug  Morell. 


''It's  tone  esoteric  in  force — 

I  trust  that  I  make  myself  clear?" — 

Morell  only  answered  "Of  course," — 

While  Pond  slowly  muttered,  "Hear,  hear." 


"Volition — celestial  prize, 

Pellucid  as  porphyry  cell — 
Is  based  on  a  principle  wise." 

''Quite  so,"  exclaimed  Pond  and  Morell. 


The  Force  of  Argument.  57 

'Trom  what  I  have  said,  you  will  see 
That  I  couldn't  wed  either — in  fine. 

By  nature's  unchanging  decree 

Your  daughters  could  never  be  mine. 


"Go  home  to  your  pigs  and  your  ricks, 
My.  hands  of  the  matter  I've  rinsed." 

So  they  take  up  their  hats  and  their  sticks,  y 
And  exeunt  amho,  convinced.  / 


58 


T}ie  Bab  Ballads. 


ONLY  A  DANCING  GIRL. 


Only  a  dancing  girl, 

With  an  unromantic  style, 
With  borrowed  color  and  curl. 


Only  a  Dancing  Girl.  59 

With  fixed  mechanical  smile, 

With  many  a  hackneyed  wile. 
With  nngrammatical  lips. 
And  corns  that  mar  her  trips! 


Hung  from  the  "flies"  in  air. 
She  acts  a  palpable  lie, 

She's  as  little  a  fairy  there 
Asunpoetical  I! 
I  hear  you  asking,  Why — 

Why  in  the  world  I  sing 

This  tawdry,  tinselled  thing? 


No  airy  fairy  she. 

As  she  hangs  in  arsenic  green. 

From  a  highly  impossible  tree. 
In  a  highly  impossible  scene 
(Herself  not  over  clean). 

Eor  fays  don't  suffer,  I'm  told. 

From  iaunions,  coughs,  or  cold. 


And  stately  dames  that  bring 

Their  daughters  there  to  see, 
Pronounce  the  "dancing  thing" 


€0  The  Bab  Ballads. 

No  better  than  she  should  be. 

"With  her  skirt  at  her  shameful  knee. 
And  her  painted,  tainted  phiz: 
Ah,  matron,  which  of  us  is? 


(And,  in  sooth,  it  oft  occurs 
That  while  these  matrons  sigh. 

Their  dresses  are  lower  than  hers, 
And  sometimes  half  as  high; 
And  their  hair  is  hair  they  buy. 

And  they  use  their  glasses,  too. 

In  a  way  she'd  blush  to  do.) 


But  change  her  gold  and  green 
For  a  coarse  merino  gown. 

And  see  her  upon  the  scene 

Of  her  home,  when  coaxing  down 
Her  drunken  father's  frown. 

In  his  squalid,  cheerless  den: 

She's  a  fairy  truly,  then! 


The  Sensation  Captain.  61 


THE  SENSATION  CAPTAIN. 

No  nobler  captain  ever  trod 
Than  Captain  Parklebury  Todd, 

So  good — so  wise — so  brave,  he! 
But  still,  as  all  his  friends  would  own. 
He  had  one  folly — one  alone — 

This  Capt^n  in  the  Navy. 


I  do  not  think  I  ever  knew 
A  man  so  wholly  given  to 

Creating  a  sensation; 
Or  p'r'aps  I  should  in  justice  say — 
To  what  in  an  Adelphi  play 

Is  known  as  "Situation." 


He  passed  his  time  designing  traps 
To  flurry  unsuspicious  chaps — 

The  taste  was  his  innately— 
He  couldn't  walk  into  a  room 
Without  ejaculating  "Boom!" 

Which  startled  ladies  greatly. 


62  The  Bab  Ballads. 

He'd  wear  a  mask  and  muffling  cloak. 
Not,  you  will  understand,  in  joke. 

As  some  assume  disguises. 
He  did  it,  actuated  by 
A  simple  love  of  mystery 

And  fondness  for  surprises. 

I  need  not  say  he  loved  a  maid — 
His  eloquence  threw  into  shade 

All  others  who  adored  her: 
The  maid,  though  pleased  at  first,  I  know. 
Found,  after  several  years  or  so. 

Her  starthng  lover  bored  her. 

S6,  when  his  orders  came  to  sail, 
She  did  not  faint  or  scream  or  wail. 

Or  with  her  tears  anoint  him. 
She  shook  his  hand,  and  said  "Good-bye,*' 
With  laughter  dancing  in  her  eye — 

Which  seemed  to  disappoint  him. 

But  ere  he  went  aboard  his  boat 
He  placed  around  her  little  throat 

A  ribbon,  blue  and  yellow, 
On  which  he  hung  a  double  tooth — 
A  simple  token  this,  in  sooth — 

'Twas  all  he  had,  poor  fellow! 


The  Sensation  Captain.  63 

"I  often  wonder,"  he  would  say. 
When  very,  very  far  away, 

"If  Angelina  wears  it! 
A  plan  has  entered  in  my  head, 
I  will  pretend  that  I  am  dead, 

And  see  how  Angy  bears  it!" 

The  news  he  made  a  messmate  tell: 
His  Angelina  bore  it  well, 

No  sign  gave  she  of  crazing; 
But,  steady  as  the  Incheape  rock 
His  Angelina  stood  the  shock 

With  fortitude  amazing. 

She  said,  "Some  one  I  must  elect 
Poor  Angelina  to  protect 

From  all  who  wish  to  harm  her. 
Since  worthy  Captain  Todd  is  dead 
I  rather  feel  inclined  to  wed 

A  comfortable  farmer." 

A  comfortable  farmer  came 
(Bassanio  Tyler  was  his  name) 

Who  had  no  end  of  treasure: 
He  said,  "My  noble  gal,  be  mine!" 
The  noble  gal  did  not  decline, 

But  simply  said,  "With  pleasure." 


64  The  Bah  Ballads. 

When  this  was  told  to  Captain  Todd, 
At  first  he  thought  it  rather  odd. 

And  felt  some  perturbation; 
But  very  long  he  did  not  grieve, 
He  thought  he  could  a  way  perceive 

To  such  a  situation ! 

"I'll  not  reveal  myself,"  said  he, 
"Till  they  are  both  in  the  Eccle- 
siastical Arena; 
Then  suddenly  I  will  appear, 
And  paralyzing  them  with  fear. 
Demand  my  Angelina!" 

At  length  arrived  the  wedding  day — 
Accoutred  in  the  usual  way 

Anpeared  the  bridal  body — 
The  worthy  clergyman  began, 
When  in  the  gallant  captain  ran 

And  cried,  "Behold  your  Toddy!" 

The  bridegroom,  pVaps,  was  terrified. 
And  also  possibly  the  bride — 

The  bridesmaids  were  affrighted: 
But  Angelina,  noble  soul, 
Contrived  her  feelings  to  control. 

And  really  seemed  delighted. 


The  Sensation  Captain.  65 

"My  bride!"  said  gallant  Captain  Todd, 
"She's  mine,  uninteresting  clod. 

My  own,  my  darling  charmer!" 
"Oh,  dear,"  said  she,  "you're  Just  too  late, 
I'm  married  to,  I  beg  to  state, 

This  comfortable  farmer!" 


'^Indeed,"  the  farmer  said,  "she's  mine. 
You've  been  and  cut  it  far  too  fine!" 

"I  see,"  said  Todd,  "I'm  beaten." 
And  so  he  went  to  sea  once  more, 

"Sensation"  he  for  aye  forswore. 
And  married  on  her  native  shore 
A  lady  whom  he'd  met  before — 

A  lovely  Otaheitan. 


66  The  Bab  Ballads. 


THE  PERIWINKLE  GIRL. 

I*ve  often  thought  that  headstrong  youths. 

Of  decent  education, 
Determine  all-important  truths 

With  strange  precipitation. 


The  over-ready  victims  they. 

Of  logical  illusions, 
And  in  a  self-assertive  way 

They  jump  at  strange  conclusions. 


Now  take  my  case :     Ere  sorrow  could 
My  ample  forehead  wrinkle, 

I  had  determined  that  I  would 
Not  like  to  be  a  winkle. 


"A  winkle,"  I  would  oft  advance 
With  readiness  provoking, 

"Can  seldom  flirt,  and  never  dance, 
Or  soothe  his  mind  by  smoking." 


The  Periwinkle  Girl.  67 

In  short,  I  spurned  the  shelly  joy. 
And  spoke  with  strange  decision — 

Men  pointed  to  me  as  a  boy 
Who  held  them  in  derision. 


But  I  was  young — too  young,  by  far — 

Or  I  had  been  more  wary, 
I  knew  not  then  that  winkles  are 

The  stock-in-trade  of  Marv. 


I  had  not  seen  her  sunlight  blithe 
As  o'er  their  shells  it  dances, 

I've  seen  those  winkles  almost  writhe 
Beneath  her  beaming  glances. 


Of  slighting  all  the  winkly  brood 

I  surely  had  been  chary, 
If  I  had  known  they  formed  the  food 

And  stock-in-trade  of  Mary. 


Both  high  and  low  and  great  and  small 
Fell  prostrate  at  her  tootsies. 

They  all  were  noblemen,  and  all 
Had  balances  at  Coutts's. 


68  The  Bah  Ballads. 

Dukes  Avith  the  lovely  maiden  dealt, 
Duke  Bailey  and  Duke  Humphy, 

Who  eat  her  winkles  till  they  felt 
Exceedingly  uncomfy. 


Duke  Bailey  greatest  wealth  computes, 
And  sticks,  they  say,  at  no-thing.  ^ 

He  wears  a  pair  of  golden  boots 
And  silver  underclothing. 


Duke  Humphy,  as  I  understand, 
Though  mentally  acuter, 

His  boots  are  only  silver,  and 
His  underclothing  pewter. 


A  third  adorer  had  the  girl, 
A  man  of  lowly  station — 

A  miserable  grov'ling  earl 
Besought  her  approbation. 


This  humble  cad  she  did  refuse 

With  much  contempt  and  loathing; 

He  wore  a  pair  of  leather  shoes 
And  cambric  underclothing! 


The  Peritcinkle  Girl.  69 

"Ha!  ha!"  she  cried,  "Upon  my  word! 

Well,  really — came,  I  never! 
Oh,  go  along,  it's  too  absurd! 

My  goodness!     Did  you  ever? 


"Two  dukes  would  make  their  Bowles  a  bride. 
And  from  her  foes  defend  her" — 

"TVell,  not  exactly  that,"  they  cried, 
"We  offer  guilty  splendor. 


"We  do  not  offer  marriage  rite. 
So  please  dismiss  the  notion!" 

"Oh,  dear,"  said  she,  "that  alters  quite 
The  state  of  my  emotion." 


The  earl  he  up  and  says,  says  he, 
"Dismiss  them  to  their  orgies, 

For  I  am  game  to  marry  thee 
Quite  reg'lar  at  St.  George's." 


He'd  had,  it  happily  befell, 

A  decent  education; 
His  views  would  have  befitted  well 

A  far  superior  station. 


70  The  Bab  Ballads. 

His  sterling  worth  had  worked  a  cure. 
She  never  heard  him  grumble; 

She  saw  his  soul  was  good  and  pure 
Although  his  rank  was  humble. 


Her  views  of  earldoms  and  their  lot. 
All  underwent  expansion; 

Come,  Virtue  in  an  earldom's  cot! 
Go,  Vice  in  ducal  mansion! 


Bob  Poller.  71 


BOB   POLTER. 

Bob  Polter  was  a  navvy,  and 

His  hands  were  coarse,  and  dirty  too. 
His  homely  face  was  rough  and  tanned. 

His  time  of  life  was  thirty-two. 


He  lived  among  a  working  clan 
(A  wife  he  hadn't  got  at  all), 

A  decent,  steady,  sober  man — 
No  saint,  however — ^not  at  all. 


He  smoked,  but  in  a  modest  way, 
Because  he  thought  he  needed  it; 

He  drank  a  pot  of  beer  a  day, 
And  sometimes  he  exceeded  it. 


At  times  he'd  pass  with  other  men 
A  loud  convivial  night  or  two. 

With,  very  likely,  now  and  then. 
On  Saturdays,  a  fight  or  two. 


72  The  Bah  Ballads. 

But  still  he  was  a  sober  soul, 
A  labor-never-shirking  man, 

Who  paid  his  way — upon  the  whole 
A  decent  English  working  man. 


One  day,  when  at  the  Nelson's  Head, 
(For  which  he  may  be  blamed  of  you) 

A  holy  man  appeared  and  said, 

"Oh,  Robert,  I'm  ashamed  of  you." 


He  laid  his  hand  on  Robert's  beer 
Before  he  could  drink  up  any, 

And  on  the  floor,  with  sigh  and  tear, 
He  poured  the  pot  of  "thruppenny.' 


"Oh,  Robert,  at  this  very  bar, 
A  truth  you'll  be  discovering, 

A  good  and  evil  genius  are 
Around  your  noddle  hovering. 


"They  both  are  here  to  bid  you  shun 

The  other  one's  society, 
Vvr  Total  Abstinence  is  one. 

The  other.  Inebriety." 


Bob  Polter.  73 

He  waved  his  hand — a  vapor  came^ 
A  wizard,  Polter  reckoned  him: 

A  bogy  rose  and  called  his  name. 
And  with  his  finger  beckoned  him. 


The  monster's  salient  points  to  sum, 
His  heavy  breath  was  portery; 

His  glowing  nose  suggested  rum; 
His  eyes  were  gin-and-wortery. 


His  dress  was  torn — for  dregs  of  ale 
And  slops  of  gin  had  rusted  it; 

His  pimpled  face  was  wan  and  pale, 
Where  filth  had  not  encrusted  it. 


*'Come,  Polter,"  said  the  fiend,  "begin, 
And  keep  the  bowl  a-flowing  on — 

A  working-man  needs  pints  of  gin 
To  keep  his  clockwork  going  on." 


Bob  shuddered:     "Ah,  you've  made  a  miss, 
If  you  take  me  for  one  of  you — 

You  filthy  beast,  get  out  of  this — 
Bob  Polter  don't  want  none  of  you." 


74  The  Bah  Ballads. 

The  demon  gave  a  drunken  shriek 
And  crept  away  in  stealthiness. 

And  lo,  instead,  a  person  sleek 

Who  seemed  to  burst  with  healthiness. 


'*In  me,  as  your  advisor  hints, 

Of  Abstinence  you  have  got  a  type- 

Of  Mr.  Tweedie's  pretty  prints 
I  am  the  happy  prototype. 


"If  you  abjure  the  social  toast, 
And  pipes,  and  such  frivolities, 

You  possibly  some  day  may  boast 
My  prepossessing  qualities!" 


Bob  rubbed  his  eyes,  and  made  'em  blink, 
"You  almost  make  me  tremble,  you! 

If  I  abjure  fermented  drink, 
Shall  I,  indeed,  resemble  you? 


"And  will  my  whiskers  curl  so  tight? 

My  cheeks  grow  smug  and  muttony? 
My  face. become  so  red  and  white? 

My  coat  so  blue  and  buttonyr" 


Bob  Polter.  75 


*'Will  trousers,  such  as  yours,  array 

Extremities  inferior? 
Will  chubbiness  assert  its  sway 

All  over  my  exterior? 


*'In  this,  my  unenlightened  state, 
To  work  in  heavy  boots  I  comes. 

Will  pumps  henceforward  decorate 
My  tiddle  toddle  tootsicums? 


**And  shall  I  get  so  plump  and  fresh. 
And  look  no  longer  seedily  ? 

My  skin  will  henceforth  fit  my  flesh 
So  tightly  and  so  Tweedie-ly?" 


The  phantom  said,  "You'll  have  all  this. 
You'll  know  no  kind  of  huffiness. 

Your  life  will  be  one  chubby  bliss. 
One  long  unruffled  puffiness!" 


"Be  off!"  said  irritated  Bob. 

"Why  come  you  here  to  bother  one? 
You  Pharisaical  old  snob. 

You're  wuss  almost  than  t'other  one! 


76  The  Bah  Ballads. 

**I  takes  my  pipe — I  takes  my  pot. 
And  drunk  I'm  never  seen  to  be: 

I'm  no  teetotaller  or  sot. 
And  as  I  am  I  mean  to  bel" 


Oentle  Alice  Brovm. 


77 


GENTLE   ALICE   BROWN. 

It  was  a  robber's  daughter,  and  her  name  was 

Alice  Brown; 
Her  father  was  the  terror  of  a  small  Italian 

town; 
Her  mother  was  a  foolish,  weak,  but  amiable 

old  thing; 
But  it  isn't  of  her  parents  that  I'm  going  for 

to  sing. 


rs  The  Bah  Ballads. 

As  Alice  was  a-sitting  at  her  window-sill  one 

day, 
A  beautiful  young  gentleman  he  chanced  to 

pass  that  way; 
She  cast  her  eyes  upon  him,  and  he  looked  so 

good  and  true, 
That  she  thought,  "I  could  be  happy  with  a 

gentleman  like  you!" 


And  every  morning  passed  her  house  that 

cream  of  gentlemen. 
She  knew  she  might  expect  him  at  a  quarter 

unto  ten, 
A  sorter  in  the  Custom-house,  it  was  his  daily 

road 
(The  Custom-house  was  fifteen  minutes'  walk 

from  her  abode). 


But  Alice  was  a  pious  girl,  who  knew  it  wasn't 
wise 

To  look  at  strange  young  sorters  with  expres- 
sive purple  eyes; 

So  she  sought  the  village  priest,  to  whom  her 
family  confessed, 

The  priest  by  whom  their  little  sins  were  care- 
fully assessed. 


Oentle  Alice  Broicn.  79 

"Oh,  holy  father,"  Alice  said,  "'tTould  grieve 

you,  would  it  not? 
To  discover  that  I  was  a  most  disreputable 

lot! 
Of  all  unhappy  sinners  I'm  the  most  unhappy 

one!"  * 
The  padre  said,  ""WTiatever  have  you  been  and 

gone  and  done?" 


"I  have  helped  mamma  to  steal  a  little  kiddy 

from  its  dad, 
I've  assisted  dear  papa  in  cutting  up  a  little 

lad, 
I've  planned  a  little  burglary  and  forged  a 

little  check. 
And  slain  a  little  baby  for  the  coral  on  its 

neck!" 


The  worthy  pastor  heaved  a  sigh  and  dropped 

a  silent  tear — 
And  said,  "You  mustn't  judge  yourself  too 

heavily,  my  dear — 
It's  wrong  to  murder  babies,  little  corals  for 

to  fleece; 
But  sins  like  that  one  expiates  athalf-a-crown 

apiece. 


80  The  Bah  Ballads. 

"Girls  will  be  girls — you're  very  young,  and 
flighty  in  your  mind; 

Old  heads  upon  young  shoulders  we  must  not 
expect  to  find; 

We  mustn't  be  too  hard  upon  these  little  girl- 
ish tricks — 

Let's  see — five  crimes  at  half-a-crown — ex- 
actly twelve-and-six." 


"Oh,  father,"  little  Alice  cried,  "your  kind- 
ness makes  me  weep, 

You  do  these  little  things  for  me  so  singularly 
cheap — 

Your  thoughtful  liberality  I  never  can  forget; 

But,  0,  there  is  another  crime  I  haven't  men- 
tioned vet!" 


*'A  pleasant-looking  gentleman,  with  pretty 

purple  eyes, 
I've  noticed  at  my  window,  as  I've  sat  a-catch- 

ing  flies; 
He  passes  by  it  every  day  as  certain  as  can 

be— 
I  blush  to  say  I've  winked  at  him  and  he  has 

winked  at  me!" 


Gentle  Alice  BroKii.  81 

'Tor  shame,"  said  Father  Paul,  "my  erring 

daughter!     On  my  word 
Tliis  is  the  most  distressing  news  that  I  have 

ever  heard. 
Why,  naughty  girl,  your  excellent  papa  has 

pledged  your  hand 
To  a  promising  young  robber,  the  lieutenant 

of  his  band! 


"This  dreadful  piece  of  news  will  pain  your 

worthy  parents  so! 
They  are  the  most  remunerative  customers  I 

know; 
For  many  years  they've  kept  starvation  from 

my  doors, 
I  never  knew  so  criminal  a  family  as  yours! 


"The  common  country  folk  in  this  insipid 
neighborhood 

Have  nothing  to  confess,  they're  so  ridicu- 
lously good; 

And  if  you  marry  any  one  respectable  at  all. 

Why,  you'll  reform,  and  what  will  then  be- 
come of  Father  Paul?" 


Z2  The  Bab  Ballads. 

The  worthy  priest,  he  up  and  drew  his  cowl 

upon  his  crown, 
And  started  off  in  haste  to  tell  the  news  to 

Robber  Brown; 
To  tell  him  how  his  daughter,  who  now  was 

for  marriage  fit, 
Had  winked  upon  a  sorter,  who  reciprocated 

it. 


Good  Eobber  Brown  he  muffled  up  his  anger 
pretty  well. 

He  said  ''I  have  a  notion,  and  that  notion  I 
will  tell; 

I  will  nab  this  gay  young  sorter,  terrify  him 
into  fits, 

And  get  my  gentle  wife  to  chop  him  into  lit- 
tle bits. 


'I've  studied  human  nature,  and  I  know  a 
thing  or  two. 

Though  a  girl  may  fondly  love  a  living  gent, 
as  many  do — 

A  feeling  of  disgust  upon  her  senses  there 
will  fall 

When  she  looks  upon  his  body  chopped  par- 
ticularly small." 


Gentle  Alice  Brown.  85 

He  traced  that  gallant  sorter  to  a  still  sub- 
urban square; 

He  watched  his  opportunity  and  seized  him 
unaware; 

He  took  a  life-preserver  and  he  hit  him  on 
the  head, 

And  Mrs.  Brown  dissected  him  before  she 
went  to  bed. 


And  pretty  little  Alice  grew  more  settled  in 
her  mind, 

She  never  more  was  guilty  of  a  weakness  of 
the  kind, 

Until  at  length  good  Robber  Brown  bestowed 
her  pretty  hand 

On  the  promising  young  robber,  the  lieuten- 
ant of  his  band. 


84  Tlee  Bab  Ballads. 


BEN  ALLAH  ACHMET; 

OE,   THE  FATAL  TUM. 

L  once  did  know  a  Turkish  man 
Whom  I  upon  a  two-pair-back  met, 

His  name  it  was  Effendi  Khan 

Backsheesh  Pasha  Ben  Allah  Achmet. 


A  Doctor  Brown  I  also  knew — 
I've  often  eaten  of  his  bounty — 

The  Turk  and  he  they  lived  at  Hooe, 
In  Sussex,  that  delightful  county. 

I  knew  a  nice  young  lady  there, 
Her  name  was  Isabella  Sherson, 

And  though  she  wore  another's  hair, 
She  was  an  interesting  person. 

The  Turk  adored  the  maid  of  Hooe 

(Although  his  harem  would  have  shocked 
her); 

But  Brown  adored  that  maiden,  too: 
He  was  a  most  seductive  doctor. 


Ben  Allah  Achmet,  85 

They'd  follow  her  where'er  she'd  go — 
A  course  of  action  most  improper; 

She  neither  knew  by  sight,  and  so 
For  neither  of  them  eared  a  copper. 


Brown  did  not  know  that  Turkish  male, 
He  might  have  been  his  sainted  mother: 

The  people  in  this  simple  tale 
Are  total  strangers  to  each  other. 


One  day  that  Turk  he  sickened  sore 

Which  threw  him  straight  into  a  sharp  pet; 

He  threw  himself  upon  the  floor 
And  rolled  about  upon  his — carpet. 

It  made  him  moan — it  made  him  groan 
And  almost  wore  him  to  a  mummy: 

Why  should  I  hesitate  to  own 

That  pain  was  in  his  little  tummy? 

At  length  a  Doctor  came  and  rung 

(As  Allah  Achmet  had  desired) 
Who  felt  his  pulse,  looked  up  his  tongue. 

And  hummed  and  hawed,  and  then  in- 
quired: 


S6  The  Bah  Ballads. 

''Where  is  the  pain  that  long  has  preyed 
Upon  you  in  so  sad  a  way,  sir?" 

The  Turk  he  giggled,  blushed,  and  said, 
"I  don't  exactly  like  to  say,  sir." 


"Come,  nonsense!"  said  good  Doctor  Brown, 
"So  this  is  Turkish  coyness,  is  it? 

You  must  contrive  to  fight  it  down — 
Come,  come,  sir,  please  to  be  explicit." 


The  Turk  he  shyly  bit  his  thumb, 

And  coyly  blushed  like  one  half-witted, 

"The  pain  is  in  my  little  tum," 

He,  whispering,  at  length  admitted. 


"Then  take  you  this,  and  take  you  that — 
Your  blood  flows  sluggish  in  its  channel — 

You  must  get  rid  of  all  this  fat, 
And  wear  my  medicated  flannel. 


'You'll  send  for  me,  when  you're  in  need — 
My  name  is  Brown — your  life  I've  saved  it!* 

*My  rival!"  shrieked  the  invalid, 
And  drew  a  mighty  sword  and  waved  it: 


Ben  Allah  Achmet.  87 

"This  to  thy  weazand,  Christian  pest!" 
Aloud  the  Turk  in  frenzy  yelled  it, 

And  drove  right  through  the  Doctor's  chest 
The  sabre  and  the  hand  that  held  it. 


The  blow  was  a  decisive  one, 

And  Doctor  Brown  grew  deadly  pasty — 
"Xow  see  the  mischief  that  you've  done, — 

You  Turks  are  so  extremelv  hastv. 


"There  are  two  Doctor  Browns  in  Hooe, 
He's  short  and  stout — Pm  tall  and  wizen; 

You've  been  and  run  the  wrong  one  through. 
That's  how  the  error  has  arisen." 


The  accident  was  thus  explained, 
Apologies  were  only  heard  now: 

"At  my  mistake  I'm  really  pained, 
I  am,  indeed,  upon  my  word  now." 


""With  me,  sir,  you  shall  be  interred, 
A  Mausoleum  grand  awaits  me" — 

"Oh,  pray  don't  say  another  word, 

I'm  sure  that  m«re  than  compensates  me. 


S8  The  Bab  Ballads. 

''But,  pYaps,  kind  Turk,  you're  full  inside?" 
"There's  room,"  said  he,  "for  any  number." 

And  so  they  laid  them  down  and  died. 

In  proud  Stamboul  they  sleep  their  slum- 
ber. 


SONGS  OF  A  SAVOYARD 


The  Englishman^ 


91 


THE   ENGLISHMAN. 


He  is  an  Englishman! 

For  he  himself  has  said  it, 
And  it's  greatly  to  his  credit. 

That  he  is  an  Englishman! 

For  he  might  have  been  a  Roosian, 
A  French,  or  Turk,  or  Proosian, 

Or  perhaps  Itali-an! 

But  in  spite  of  all  temptations, 
To  belong  to  other  nations, 

He  remains  an  Englishman! 
Hurrah! 

For  the  true  born  Englishman! 


92  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


THE   DISAGREEABLE   MAN. 

If  you  give  me  your  attention,  I  will  tell  yoti 

what  I  am: 
Fm  a  genuine  philanthropist — all  other  kinds 

are  sham. 
Each  little  fault  of  temper  and  each  social 

defect 
In  my  erring  fellow  creatures,  I  endeavor  to 

correct. 
To  all  their  little  weaknesses  I  open  people's 

eyes 
And  little  plans  to  snub  the  self-sufl&cient  I 

devise; 
I  love  my  fellow  creatures — I  do  all  the  good 

I  can — 
Yet  everybody  says  I'm  such  a  disagreeable 

man! 

And  I  can't  think  why! 

To  compliments  inflated  I've  a  withering 

reply; 
And  vanity  I  always  do  my  best  to  mortify; 
A  charitable  nction  I  can  skilfully  dissect; 
And   intorosted   motives  I'm   delighted   to 

detect. 


The  Disagreeable  Man.  93 

I  know  everybody's  income  and  what  every- 
body earns. 

And  I  carefully  compare  it  with  the  income 
tax  returns; 

But  to  benefit  humanity,  however  much  I 
plan. 

Yet  everybody  says  I'm  such  a  disagreeable 
man! 

And  I  can't  think  why! 

I'm  sure  I'm  no  ascetic:  I'm  as  pleasant  as  can 

be; 
You'll  always  find  me  ready  with  a  crushing 

repartee; 
I've  an  irritating  chuckle;  I've  a  celebrated 
1  sneer; 

ll've  an  entertaining  snigger;  I've  a  fascinat- 
ing leer; 
To  everybody's  prejudice  I  know  a  thing  or 

two; 
I  can  tell  a  woman's  age  in  half  a  minute — 

and  I  do — 
But  although  I  try  to  make  myself  as  pleasant 

as  I  can. 
Yet  everybody  says  I'm  such  a  disagreeable 

man! 

And  I  can't  think  why! 


94  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


THE    MODERN   MAJOR-GENERAL. 

I  am  the  very  pattern  of  a  modern  Major- 
Gineral. 

I've  information  vegetable,  animal,  and  min- 
eral; 

I  know  the  kings  of  England,  and  I  quote  the 
fights  historical, 

From  Marathon  to  Waterloo,  in  order  cate- 
gorical; 

I'm  very  well  acquainted  too  with  matters 
mathematical, 

I  understand  equations,  both  the  simple  and 
quadratical. 

About  binomial  theorem  I'm  teeming  with  a 
lot  o'  news, 

With  many  cheerful  facts  about  the  square  of 
the  hypotenuse. 

I'm  very  good  at  integral  and  differential  cal- 
culus, 

I  know  the  scientific  names  of  beings  animal- 
culous, 

In  short,  in  matters  vegetable,  animal  and 
mineral, 

I  am  the  very  model  of  a  modern  Major- 
Gineral. 


The  Modern  Major-General.  95 

I  know  our  mythic  history — King  Arthur's 

and  Sir  Caradoc's, 
I  answer  hard  acrostics,  I've  a  pretty  taste  for 

paradox, 
I  quote  in  elegiacs  all  the  crimes  of  Helioga- 

balus, 
In  conies  I  can  floor  peculiarities  parabolous. 
I  can  tell  undoubted  Eaphaels  from  Gerard 

Dows  and  Zoffanies, 
I  know  the  croaking  chorus  from  the  "Frogs" 

of  Aristophanes, 
Then  I  can  hum  a  fugue  of  which  I've  heard 

the  music's  din  afore, 
And  whistle  all  the  airs  from  that  confounded 

•  nonsense  "Pinafore." 
Then  I  can  write  a  washing  bill  in  Babylonic 

cuneiform. 
And  tell  you  every  detail  of  Caractacus's  uni- 
form. 
In  short  in  matters  vegetable,  animal  and 

mineral, 
I  am  the  very  model   of   a   modern  Major- 

Gineral. 

In  fact  when  I  know  what  is  meant  by  "mam- 

elon"  and  "ravelin," 
When  I  can  tell  at  sight  a  Chassepot  rifle 

from  a  javelin. 


96  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

When  such  affairs  as  sorties  and  surprises  I'm 
more  wary  at. 

And  when  I  know  precisely  what  is  meant  by 
Commissariat, 

When  I  have  learnt  what  progress  has  been 
made  in  modern  gunnery. 

When  I  know  more  of  tactics  than  a  novice  in 
a  nunnery, 

In  short  when  I've  a  smattering  of  elemen- 
tary strategy. 

You'll  say  a  better  Major-Genera?  has  never 
sat  a  gee —  ^ 

For  my  military  knowledge,  though  I'm 
plucky  and  adventury. 

Has  only  been  brought  down  to  the  begin- 
ning of  the  century, 

But  still  in  learning  vegetable,  animal  and 
mineral, 

I  am  the  very  model  of  a  modern  Major- 
Gineral. 


l^he  Heavy  D  ragoon.  97' 


THE  HEA\T  DRAGOON. 


If  you  want  a  receipt  for  that  popular  mystery 
Known  to  the  world  as  a  Heavy  Dru.uoon, 
Take  all  the  remarkable  people  in  history, 

Eattle  them  off  to  a  popular  tune! 
The  pluck  of  Lord  Nelson  on  board  of  the 
\iclory — 
Genius  of  Bismarck  devising  a  plan; 
The  humor  of  Fielding  (which  sounds  con^- 
tradictory) — 
Coolness  of  Paget  about  to  trepan — 
The    grace    of    Mozart,    that    unparalleled' 
musico — 
Wit  of  Macaulay,  who   wrote   of   Queen- 
Anne — 
The  pathos  of  Paddy,  as  rendered  by  Bouci- 
cault — 
Style  of  the  Bishop  of  Sodor  and  Man — 
The  dash  of  a  D'Orsay,  divested  of  quack- 

erv — 
Narrative  powers  of  Dickens  and  Thack- 
eray— 


98  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

Victor  Emmanuel — peak-haunting  Peveril — 
Thomas  Aquinas,  and  Doctor  Sacheverell — 
Tupper  and  Tennyson — Daniel  Defoe — 
Anthony  Trollope  and  Mister  Guizot! 


Take  of  these  elements  all  that  are  fusible, 
Melt  them  all  down  in  a  pipkin  or  crucible, 
Set  them  to  simmer  and  take  off  the  scum, 
And  a  Heavy  Dragoon  is  the  residuum! 


If  you  want  a  receipt  for  this  soldierlike  par- 
agon. 
Get  at  the  wealth  of  the  Czar  (if  you  can) — 
The  family  pride  of  a  Spaniard  from  Arra- 
gon— 
Force  of  Mephisto  pronouncing  a  ban — 
A  smack  of  Lord  Waterf  ord,  reckless  and  rol- 
licky— 
Swagger  of  Roderick,  heading  his  clan — 
The  keen  penetration  of  Paddington  Pol- 
laky— 
Grace  of  an  Odalisque  on  a  divan — 
The  genius  strategic  of  Caesar  or  Hannibal — 
Skill  of  Tiord  Wolseley  in  thrashing  a  can- 
nibal— 


TJie  Heavy  Dragoon.  99 

Flavor  of  Hamlet — the  Stranger,  a  touch  of 

him — 
Little  of  Manfred,  but  not  very  much  of 
him) — 
Beadle  of  Burlington — ^Eichardson's  show; 
Mr.  Iklicawber  and  Madame  Tussaud! 


Take  of  these  elements  all  that  are  fusible, 
Melt  them  all  down  in  a  pipkin  or  crucible,. 
Set  them  to  simmer  and  take  off  the  scum, 
And  a  Heavy  Dragoon  is  the  residuum! 


100  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


ONLY   ROSES!  ^ 


To  a  garden  full  of  posies 
Cometli  one  to  gather  flowers, 
And  he  wanders  through  its  howers 

Toying  with  the  wanton  roses, 
Who,  uprising  from  their  beds, 
Hold  on  high  their  shameless  heads 

With  their  pretty  lips  a-pouting. 

Never  doubting — never  doubting 
That  for  Cytherean  posies 
He  would  gather  aught  but  rosesl 

In  a  nest  of  weeds  and  nettles. 
Lay  a  violet,  half  hidden, 
Hoping  that  his  glance  unbidden 

Yet  might  fall  upon  her  petals, 
Though  she  lived  alone,  apart, 
Hope  lay  nestling  at  her  heart, 

But,  alas!  the  cruel  awaking 

Set  her  little  heart  a-breaking, 
For  he  gathered  for  his  posies 
Only  roses — only  roses! 


They'll  Noiie  of  'Em  Be  Missed.       101 


THEY'LL  NONE  OF  'EM  BE  MISSED.  ^ 

As  some  day  it  may  happen  that  a  victim 
must  be  found, 
I've  got  a  Httle  list — I've  got  a  Httle  list 

Of  social  offenders  who  might  well  be  under- 
ground. 
And  who  never  would  be  missed — who 
never  would  be  missed! 

There's  the  pestilential  nuisances  who  write 
for  autographs — 

AH  people  who  have  flabby  hands  and  irritat- 
ing laughs — 

All  children  who  are  up  in  dates,  and  floor 
you  with  'em  flat — 

All  persons  who  in  shaking  hands,  shako 
hands  with  you  like  that — 

And  all  third  persons  who  on  spoiUng  tete-a- 
tetes  insist — 
They'd   none  of  'em  be  missed — they'd 
none  of  'em  be  missed! 

There's  the  nigger  serenader,  and  the  others 
of  his  race. 
And  the  piano  organist — I've  got  him  on 
the  list! 


102  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

And  the  people  who  eat  peppermint  and  puff 

it  in  your  face, 
They  never  would  be  missed — they  never 

would  be  missed! 
Then  the  idiot  who  praises,  with  enthusiastic 

tone, 
All  centuries  but  this,  and  every  country  but 

his  own; 
And  the  lady  from  the  provinces,  who  dresses 

like  a  guy, 
And  who  doesn't  think  she  waltzes,  but  would 

rather  like  to  try; 
And  that  singular  anomaly,  the  lady  novel- 
ist— 
I  don't  think  she'd  be  missed — I'm  sure 

she'd  not  be  missed! 


And  that  Nisi  Prius  nuisance,  who  just  now 
is  rather  rife. 
The  Judicial  humorist — I've  got  him  on 
the  list! 

All  funny  fellows,  comic  men,  and  clowns  of 
private  life — 
They'd  none  of  'em  be   missed — they'd 
none  of  'em  be  missed. 

And  apologetic  statesmen  of  the  compromis- 
ing kind. 


They'll  None  of  'Em  Be  Missed.       103 

Such  as  —  What-d'ye-call-him  —  Thing'em- 

Bob,  and  likewise — Never-mind, 
And  'St — 'st — 'st — and  What's-his-name,and 

also — You-know-who — 
(The  task  of  filling  up  the  blanks  I'd  rather 

leave  to  you!) 
But  it  really  doesn't  matter  whom  you  put 

upon  the  list. 
For  they'd  none  of  'em  be  missed — they'd 

none  of  'em  be  missed! 


104  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


THE   POLICEMAN'S   LOT. 


"When  a  felon's  not  engaged  in  his  employ- 
ment, 

Or  maturing  his  felonious  little  plans, 
Ilis  capacity  for  innocent  enjoyment 

Is  just  as  great  as  any  honest  man's. 
Our  feelrngs  we  with  difficulty  smother 

When  constabulary  duty's  to  be  done: 


The  Policeman's  Lot.  105 

Ah,  take  one  consideration  with  another, 
A  policeman's  lot  is  not  a  happy  one! 

When  the  enterprising  burglar  isn't  burgling. 

When   the   cut-throat   isn't   occupied   in 
crime. 
He  loves  to  hear  the  little  brook  a-gurgling, 

And  listen  to  the  merry  village  chime. 
When  the  coster's  finished  jumping  on  his 
mother, 

He  loves  to  lie  a-basking  in  the  sun: 
Ah,  take  one  consideration  with  another. 

The  policeman's  lot  is  not  a  happy  one! 


106  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


AN  APPEAL. 

Oh,  is  there  not  one  maiden  breast 

Which  does  not  feel  the  moral  beauty 
Of  making  worldly  interest 

Subordinate  to  sense  of  duty? 
Who  would  not  give  up  willingly 

All  matrimonial  ambition, 
To  rescue  such  a  one  as  I 

From  his  unfortunate  position? 

Oh.  is  there  not  one  maiden  here, 

Whose  homely  face  and  bad  complexion 
Have  caused  all  hopes  to  disappear 

Of  ever  winning  man's  affection? 
To  such  a  one,  if  such  there  be, 

I  swear  by  Heaven's  arch  above  you, 
If  you  will  cast  your  eyes  on  me, — 

However  plain  you  be — I'll  love  you! 


EJieu  Fugaces — /  107 


EHEU  FUGACES—! 

The  air  is  charged  with  amatory  numbers — 
Soft  madrigals,  and  dreamy  lovers'  lays. 

Peace,  peace,  old  heart!    Why  waken  from  its 
slumbers 
The  aching  memory  of  the  old,  old  days? 

Time  was  when   Love  and  I  were  well  ac- 
quainted. 
Time  was  when  we  walked  ever  hand  in 
hand; 
A  saintly  youth,  with  worldly  thought  un- 
tainted, 
None  better-loved  than  I  in  all  the  land! 
Time  was,  when  maidens  of  the  noblest  sta- 
tion. 
Forsaking  even  military  men, 
Would  gaze  upon  me,  rapt  in  adoration — 
Ah,  me,  I  was  a  fair  young  curate  then! 

Had  I  a  headache?  sighed  the  maids  assem- 
bled; 
Had  I  a  cold?  welled  forth  the  silent  tear; 
Did  I  look  pale?  then  half  a  parish  trembled; 
And  when  I  coughed  all  thought  the  end 
was  near! 


108  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

I  had  no  care — no  jealous  doubts  hung  o'er 
me — 

For  I  was  loved  beyond  all  other  men. 
Fled  gilded  dukes  and  belted  earls  before  mel 

Ah;  me!  I  was  a  pale  young  curate  then! 


A  Recipe.  109 


A  EECIPE. 

Take  a  pair  of  sparkling  eyes. 
Hidden,  ever  and  anon, 
In  a  merciful  eclipse — 
Do  not  heed  their  mild  surprise — 
Having  passed  the  Rubicon. 
Take  a  pair  of  rosy  lips; 
Take  a  figure  trimly  planned — 
Such  as  admiration  whets 
(Be  particular  in  this); 
Take  a  tender  little  hand. 

Fringed  with  dainty  fingerettes. 
Press  it — in  parenthesis; — 
Take  all  these,  you  lucky  man — 
Take  and  keep  them,  if  you  can. 


Take  a  pretty  little  cot — 
Quite  a  miniature  affair — 
Hung  about  with  trellised  vine. 
Furnish  it  upon  the  spot 
With  the  treasures  rich  and  rare 
I've  endeavored  to  define. 
Live  to  love  and  love  to  live — 


110  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

You  will  ripen  at  your  ease, 
Growing  on  the  sunny  side — 
Fate  has  nothing  more  to  give. 
You're  a  dainty  man  to  please 
If  you  are  not  satisfied. 
Take  my  counsel,  happy  man: 
Act  upon  it,  if  you  cani 


The  First  Lord's  Song.  Ill 

THE  FIRST  LOED'S  SONG^ 

When  I  was  a  lad  I  served  a  term 
As  office  boy  to  an  Attorney's  Urm. 
1  cleaned  the  windows  and  1  swept  the  floor. 
And  I  polished  up  the  handle  of  the  big 
front  door. 
I  polished  up  that  handle  so  successfullee 
That  now  I  am  the  Ruler  of  the  Queen's 
Navee! 

As  office  boy  I  made  such  a  mark 
That  they  gave  me  the  post  of  a  junior  clerk. 
I  served  the  writs  with  a  smile  so  bland, 
And  I  copied  all  the  letters  in  a  big  round 
hand. 
I  copied  all  the  letters  in  a  hand  so  free. 
That  now  I  am  the  Ruler  of  the  Queen's 
Navee! 

In  serving  writs  I  made  such  a  name 
That  an  articled  clerk  I  soon  became; 
I  wore  clean  collars  and  a  brand-new  suit 
For  the  Pass  Examination  at  the  Institute. 
And  that  Pass  Examination  did  so  well  for 

me, 
That  now  I  am  the  Ruler  of  the  Queen's 
Navee! 


112  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

Of  legal  knowledge  I  acquired  such  a  grip 
That  they  took  me  into  the  partnership. 
And  that  junior  partnership,  I  ween, 
Was  the  only  ship  that  I  ever  had  seen. 
But  that  kind  of  ship  so  suited  me, 
That  now  I  am  the  Ruler  of  the  Queen's 
Navee! 

I  grew  so  rich  that  I  was  sent 
By  a  pocket  borough  into  Parliament. 
I  always  voted  at  my  party's  call, 
And  I  never  thought  of  thinking  for  myself 
at  all. 
I  thought  so  little,  they  rewarded  me, 
By  making  me  the  liuler  of  the  Queen's 
Navee! 

Now,  landsmen  all,  whoever  you  may  be, 
If  you  want  to  rise  to  the  top  of  the  tree. 
If  your  soul  isn't  fettered  to  an  office  stool, 
Be  careful  to  be  guided  by  this  golden  rule — 
Stick  close  to  your  desks  and  never  go  to 

8ca, 
And  you  all  may  be  Rulers  of  the  Queen's 
Navee  I 


When  a  Merry  Ma iden  Marries.     113^ 


WHEN  A  MERRY  MAIDEN  MARRIES. 

When  a  merry  maiden  marries, 
Sorrow  goes  and  pleasure  tarries; 

Every  sound  becomes  a  song, 

All  is  right  and  nothing's  wrongl 
From  to-day  and  ever  after 
Let  your  tears  be  tears  of  laughter — 

Every  sigh  that  finds  a  vent 

Be  a  sigh  of  sweet  content! 
When  you  marry  merry  maiden, 
Then  the  air  with  love  is  laden; 

Every  flower  is  a  rose, 

Every  goose  becomes  a  swan. 

Every  kind  of  trouble  goes 

Where  the  last  year's  snows  have  gone! 

Sunlight  takes  the  place  of  shade 

When  you  marry  merry  maid! 

When  a  merry  maiden  marries 
Sorrow  goes  and  pleasure  tarries; 
Every  sound  becomes  a  song. 
All  is  right,  and  nothing's  wrong. 


114  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

Gnawing  Care  and  aching  Sorrow, 
Get  ye  gone  until  to-morrow; 
Jealousies  in  grim  array, 
Ye  are  things  of  yesterday! 
When  you  marry  merry  maiden, 
Then  the  air  with  joy  is  laden; 
All  the  corners  of  the  earth 

T?ing  with  music  sweetly  played, 
Worry  is  melodious  mirth. 

Grief  is  joy  in  masquerade; 
Sullen  night  is  laughing  day — 
All  the  year  is  merry  Mayl 


The  Suicide's  Grave.  115 


THE    SUICIDE'S    GKAVE. 

On  a  tree  by  the  river  a  little  tomtit 

Sang  "Willow,  titwillow,  titwillow!" 

And  I  said  to  him,  "Dicky-bird,  why  do  you 
sit 
Singing  'Willow,  titwillow,  titwillow?' 

Is  it  weakness  of  intellect,  birdie?"  I  cried, 

*'0r  a  rather  tough  worm  in  your  little  in- 
side?" 

With  a  shake  of  his  poor  little  head  he  replied, 
"Oh,  willow,  titwillow,  titwillow!" 


He  slapped  at  his  chest,  as  he  sat  on  that 
bough, 

Singing  "Willow,  titwillow,  titwillow!" 
And  a  cold  perspiration  bespangled  his  brow. 

Oh,  willow,  titwillow,  titwillow! 
He  sobbed  and  he  sighed,  and  a  gurgle  he 

gave. 
Then  he  threw  himself  into  the  billowy  wave. 
And  an  echo  arose  from  the  suicide's  grave — 

"Oh,  willow,  titwillow,  titwillow!" 


116  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

Now  I  feel  just  as  sure  as  I'm  sure  that  my 
name 

Isn't  Willow,  titwillow,  titwillow, 
That  'twas  blighted  affection  that  made  him 
exclaim, 

"Oh,  willow,  titwillow,  titwillow!" 
And  if  you  remain  callous  and  obdurate,  I 
Shall  perish  as  he  did,  and  you  will  know  why, 
Though  I  probably  shall  not  exclaim  as  I  die, 

''Oh,  willow,  titwillow,  titwillow!" 


He  and  She.  117 


HE  AND  SHE. 

HE. 

I  know  a  youth  who  loves  a  little  maid — 
(Hey,  but  his  face  is  a  sight  for  to  see!)         > 

Silent  is  he,  for  he's  modest  and  afraid — 
(Hey,  but  he's  timid  as  a  youth  can  be!) 

SHE. 

I  know  a  maid  who  loves  a  gallant  youth, 
(Hey,  but  she  sickens  as  the  days  go  by!) 

She  cannot  tell  him  all  the  sad,  sad  truth — 
(Hey,  but  I  think  that  little  maid  will  die!) 

BOTH. 

Now  tell  me  pray,  and  tell  me  true. 

What  in  the  world  should  the  poor  soul  do? 

HE. 

He  cannot  eat  and  he  cannot  sleep — 
(Hey,  but  his  face  is  a  sight  for  to  see!) 

Daily  he  goes  for  to  wail — for  to  weep — 
(Hey,  but  he's  wretched  as  a  youth  can  be!) 

SHE. 

She's  very  thin  and  she's  very  pale — 
(Hey,  but  she  sickens  as  the  days  go  by!) 

Daily  she  goes  for  to  weep — for  to  wail — 
(Hey,  but  I  think  that  little  maid  will  die!) 


118  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

BOTH. 

Now  tell  me  pray,  and  tell  me  true, 
What  in  the  world  should  the  poor  soul  do? 

SHE. 

If  I  were  the  j'outh  I  should  offer  her  my 
I  name — 

(Hey,  but  her  face  is  a  sight  for  to  see!) 

HE. 

If  I  were  the  maid  I  should  feed  his  honest 
flame — 
(Hey,  but  he's  bashful  as  a  youth  can  be!) 

SHE. 

If  I  were  the  youth  I  should  speak  to  her 
to-day — 
(Hey,  but  she  sickens  as  the  days  go  by!) 

HE. 

If  I  were  the  maid  I  should  meet  the  lad  half 
way— 
(For  I  really  do  believe  that  timid  youth 
will  die!) 

BOTH. 

I  thank  you  much  for  your  counsel  true; 
I've  learnt  what  that  poor  soul  ought  to  do! 


The  Lord  Chancellor's  Song.        119 


THE  LORD  CHANCELLOR'S  SONG. 


The  law  is  the  true  embodiment 
Of  everything  that's  excellent- 
It  has  no  kind  of  fault  or  flaw, 
And  I,  my  lords,  embody  the  Law. 
The  constitutional  guardian  I 
Of  pretty  young  Wards  in  Chancery, 
All  very  agreeable  girls — and  none 
Are  over  the  age  of  twenty-one. 
A  pleasant  occupation  for 
A  rather  susceptible  Chancellor! 


120  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

But  though  the  compliment  implied 
Inflates  me  with  legitimate  pride, 
It  nevertheless  can't  be  denied 
That  it  has  its  inconvenient  side. 
For  I'm  not  so  old,  and  not  so  plain, 
And  I'm  quite  prepared  to  marry  again. 
But  there'd  be  the  deuce  to  pay  in  the  Lords 
If  I  fell  in  love  with  one  of  my  Wards: 
Which  rather  tries  my  temper,  for 
I'm  such  a  susceptible  Chancellor! 


And  everyone  who'd  marry  a  Ward 
Must  come  to  me  for  my  accord: 
So  in  my  court  I  sit  all  day, 
Giving  agreeable  girls  away. 
With  one  for  him — and  one  for  he — 
And  one  for  you — and  one  for  ye — 
And  one  for  thou — and  one  for  thee — 
But  never,  oh  never  a  one  for  me! 
Which  is  exasperating,  for 
A  highly  susceptible  Chancellor! 


Willow  Waly.  121 


WILLOW  WALY! 

HB. 

Prithee,  pretty  maiden — prithee,  tell  me  true 
(Hey,  but  I'm  doleful,  willow,  willow  waly!) 
Have  you  e'er  a  lover  a-dangling  after  you? 
Hey,  willow  waly  0! 
I  fain  would  discover 
If  you  have  a  lover? 
Hey,  willow  waly  0! 


SHE. 

Gentle  sir,  my  heart  is  frolicsome  and  free — 
(Hey, but  he's  doleful, willow, willow  waly!) 
Nobody  I  care  for  comes  a-courting  me — 
Hey,  willow  waly  0! 
Nobody  I  care  for 
Comes  a-courting — therefore. 
Hey,  willow  waly  0! 


HE. 

Prithee,  pretty  maiden,  will  you  marry  me? 

(Hey,  but  I'm  hopeful,  willow,  willow  waly  1) 
I  may  say,  at  once,  I'm  a  man  of  propertee— 


122  Sonys  of  a  Savoyard. 

Hey,  willow  waly  0! 
Money,  I  despise  it. 
But  many  people  prize  it, 

Hey,  willow  waly  0! 


SITE. 

Gentle  sir,  although  to  marry  I  design — 

(Hey,  but  he's  hopeful,  willow,  willow  waly  I) 
As  yet  I  do  not  know  you,  and  so  I  must  de- 
cline. 

Hey,  willow  waly  0! 

To  other  maidens  go  you — 
As  yet  I  do  not  know  you, 
Hey,  willow  waly  0 ! 


The  Usher's  Charge.  123 


THE  USHER'S  CHARGE. 

Now,  Jurymen,  hear  my  advice — 
All  kinds  of  vulgar  prejudice 

I  pray  you  set  aside: 
With  stern  judicial  frame  of  mind. 
From  bias  free  of  every  kind. 

This  trial  must  be  tried!- 


Oh,  listen  to  the  plaintiff's  case: 
Observe  the  features  of  her  face — 

The  broken-hearted  bride! 
Condole  with  her  distress  of  mind: 
From  bias  free  of  every  kind, 

This  trial  must  be  tried! 


And  when  amid  the  plaintiff's  shrieks, 
The  ruffianly  defendant  speaks — 

Upon  the  other  side; 
What  he  may  say  you  needn't  mind — 
From  bias  free  of  every  kind. 

This  trial  must  be  tried! 


124  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


KING    GOODHEART. 

There  lived  a  King,  as  I've  been  told, 
In  the  wonder-working  days  of  old, 
When  hearts  were  twice  as  good  as  gold, 

And  twenty  times  as  mellow. 
Good  temper  triumphed  in  his  face, 
And  in  his  heart  he  found  a  place 
For  all  the  erring  human  race 

And  every  wretched  fellow. 
When  he  had  Rhenish  wine  to  drink 
It  made  him  very  sad  to  think 
That  some,  at  junket  or  at  jink, 

Must  be  content  with  toddy. 
He  wished  all  men  as  rich  as  he 
(And  he  was  rich  as  rich  could  be), 
So  to  the  top  of  every  tree 

Promoted  everybody. 

Ambassadors  cropped  up  like  hay, 
Prime  Ministers  and  such  as  they 
Grew  like  asparagus  in  May, 

And  Dukes  were  three  a  penny. 
Lord  Chancellors  were  cheap  as  sprats. 
And  Bishops  in  their  shovel  hats 
Were  plentiful  as  tabby  cats — 

if  possible,  too  many. 


King  Goodheart.  125 

On  every  side  Field-Marshals  gleamed, 
Small  beer  were  Lords  Lieutenant  deemed 
With  Admirals  the  ocean  teemed 

All  round  his  wide  dominions; 
And  Party  Leaders  you  might  meet 
In  twos  and  threes  in  every  street 
Maintaining,  with  no  little  heat. 

Their  various  opinions. 

That  King,  although  no  one  denies 
His  heart  was  of  abnormal  size. 
Yet  he'd  have  acted  otherwise 

If  he  had  been  acuter. 
The  end  is  easily  foretold. 
When  every  blessed  thing  you  hold 
Is  made  of  silver,  or  of  gold, 

You  long  for  simple  pewter. 
When  you  have  nothing  else  to  wear 
But  cloth  of  gold  and  satins  rare, 
For  cloth  of  gold  you  cease  to  care — 

Up  goes  the  price  of  shoddy. 
In  short,  whoever  you  may  be, 
To  this  conclusion  you'll  agree, 
When  every  one  is  somebodee. 

Then  no  one's  anybody! 


136  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


THE  TANGLED  SKEIN. 

Try  we  life  long,  we  can  never 

Straighten  out  life's  tangled  skein, 
Why  should  we,  in  vain  endeavor, 
Guess  and  guess  and  guess  again? 
Life's  a  pudding  full  of  plums; 
Care's  a  canker  that  benumbs. 
Wherefore  waste  our  elocution 
On  impossible  solution  ? 
Life's  a  pleasant  institution, 

Let  us  take  it  as  it  comes! 


Set  aside  the  dull  enigma, 

We  shall  guess  it  all  too  soon; 
Failure  brings  no  kind  of  stigma — 
Dance  we  to  another  tune! 

String  the  lyre  and  fill  the  cup. 
Lest  on  sorrow  we  should  sup. 
Hop  and  skip  to  Fancy's  fiddle. 
Hands  across  and  down  the  middle — 
Life's  perhaps  the  only  riddle 

That  we  shrink  from  giving  up!- 


Girl  Graduates.  127 


GIRL   GRADUATES. 

They  intend  to  send  a  wire 

To  the  rnoon; 
And  they'll  set  the  Thames  on  fire 

Very  soon; 
Then  they  learn  to  make  silk  purses 

With  their  rigs 
From  the  ears  of  Lady  Circe's 

Piggy-wigs. 
And  weazels  at  their  slumbers 

They'll  trepan; 
To  get  sunbeams  from  cucwwbers 

They've  a  plan. 
They've  a  firmly  rooted  notion 
They  can  cross  the  Polar  Ocean, 
And  they'll  find  Perpetual  Motion 

If  they  can! 


These  are  the  phenomena 
That  every  pretty  domina 
Hopes  that  we  shall  see 
At  this  Universiteel 


138  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

As  for  fashion,  they  forswear  it. 

So  they  say, 
And  the  circle — they  will  square  it 

Some  fine  day; 
Then  the  little  pigs  they're  teaching 

For  to  fly; 
And  the  niggers  they'll  be  bleaching 

Bye  and  bye! 
Each  newly  joined  aspirant 

To  the  clan 
Must  repudiate  the  tyrant 

Known  as  Man; 
They  mock  at  him  and  flout  him, 
For  they  do  not  care  about  him. 
And  they're  "going  to  do  without  him" 

If  they  can! 


These  are  the  phenomena 
That  every  pretty  domina 
Hopes  that  we  shall  see 
At  this  Universitee! 


The  Ape  and  the  Lady.  129 


THE   APE   A:I^D   the   LADY. 

A  lady  fair,  of  lineage  high. 

Was  loved  by  an  Ape,  in  the  days  gone  by — 

The  Maid  was  radiant  as  the  sun. 

The  Ape  was  a  most  unsightly  one — 

So  it  would  not  do — 

His  scheme  fell  through; 
For  the  Maid,  when  his  love  took  formal 
shape, 

Expressed  such  terror 

At  his  monstrous  error, 
That  he  stammered  an  apology  and  made  his 

'scape. 
The  picture  of  a  disconcerted  Ape. 

With  a  view  to  rise  in  the  social  scale. 
He  shaved  his  bristles,  and  he  docked  his  tail. 
He  grew  moustachios,  and  he  took  his  tub. 
And  he  paid  a  guinea  to  a  toilet  club. 

But  it  would  not  do, 

The  scheme  fell  through — 
For  the  Maid  was  Beauty's  fairest  Q   Wn 

With  golden  tresses,  ' 

Like  a  real  princess's. 
While  the  Atte,  despite  his  razor  keen, 
Was  the  apie^l  Ape  that  ever  was  seen! 


130  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

He  bought  white  ties,  and  he  bought  dress 

suits, 
He  crammed  his  feet  into  bright  tight  boots, 
And  to  start  his  life  on  a  brand-new  plan, 
He  christened  himself  Darwinian  Man! 

But  it  would  not  do, 

The  scheme  fell  through — 
For  the   Maiden  fair,  whom  the  monkey 
craved, 

Was  a  radiant  Being, 

With  a  brain  far-seeing — 
While  a  Man,  however  well-behaved, 
At  best  is  only  a  monkey  shaded  1 


Sans  Souci.  131 


SANS  sorci. 


I  cannot  tell  what  this  love  may  be 
That  Cometh  to  all  but  not  to  me. 
It  cannot  be  kind  as  they'd  imply, 
Or  why  do  these  gentle  ladies  sigh? 
It  cannot  be  joy  and  rapture  deep, 
Or  why  do  these  gentle  ladies  weep  ? 
It  cannot  be  blissful,  as  'tis  said, 
Or  why  are  their  eyes  so  wondrous  red? 


If  love  is  a  thorn,  they  show  no  wit 
Who  foolishly  hug  and  foster  it. 
If  love  is  a  weed,  how  simple  they 
Who  gather  and  gather  it,  day  by  day! 
If  love  is  a  nettle  that  makes  you  smart. 
Why  do  you  wear  it  next  your  heart? 
And  if  it  be  neither  of  these,  say  I,, 
Why  do  you  sit  and  sob  and  sigh? 


132  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


THE  BRITISH  TAR. 

A  British  tar  is  a  soaring  soul, 
As  free  as  a  mountain  bird, 
His  energetic  fist  should  be  ready  to  resist 

A  dictatorial  word. 
His  nose  should  pant  and  his  lips  should  curl, 
His  cheeks  should  flame  and  his  brow  should 

furl, 
His  bosom  should  heave  and  his  heart  should 

glow, 
And  his  fist  be  ever  ready  for  a  knock-down 
blow. 


His  eyes  should  flash  with  an  inborn  fire. 

His  brow  with  scorn  be  rung; 
He  never  should  bow  down  to  a  domineering 
frown. 
Or  the  tang  of  a  tyrant  tongue. 
His  foot  should  stamp  and  his  throat  should 

growl. 
His  hair  should  twirl  and  his  face  should 

s6owl; 
His  eyes  should  flash  and  his  breast  protrude, 
And  this  should  be  his  customary  attitude  I 


The  Coming  Bye  and  Bye.  133 


THE    COMING    BYE    AND    BYE. 

Sad  is  that  woman's  lot  who,  year  by  year. 

Sees,  one  by  one,  her  beauties  disappear; 

As  Time,  grown  weary  of  her  hoart-drawn 

sighs. 
Impatiently  begins  to  "dim  her  eyes!" — 


134  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

Herself  compelled,  in  life's  uncertain  gloam- 
ings, 

To  wreathe  her  wrinkled  brow  with  well 
saved  "combings" — 

Reduced,  with  rouge,  lipsalve,  and  pearly 
grey, 

To  "make  up"  for  lost  time,  as  best  she  may! 


Silvered  is  the  raven  hair, 

Spreading  is  the  parting  straight, 
Mottled  the  complexion  fair, 

Halting  is  the  youthful  gait. 
Hollow  is  the  laughter  free. 

Spectacled  the  limpid  eye. 
Little  will  be  left  of  me. 

In  the  coming  bye  and  bye  I 


Fading  is  the  taper  waist — 

Shapeless  grows  the  shapely  limb, 

And  although  securely  laced. 
Spreading  is  the  figure  trim! 

Stouter  than  I  used  to  be, 
Still  more  corpulent  grow  I — 

There  will  be  too  much  of  me 
In  the  coming  bye  and  bye! 


The  Sorcerei-'s  Song.  135 


THE   SORCEEER'S   SONG. 

Oh!  my  name  is  John  Wellington  Wells — 
I'm  a  dealer  in  magic  and  spells. 

In  blessings  and  curses, 

And  ever  filled  purses, 
In  prophecies,  witches  and  knells! 
If  you  want  a  proud  foe  to  "make  tracks"- 
If  you'd  melt  a  rich  uncle  in  wax — 

You've  but  to  look  in 

On  our  resident  Djinn, 
Number  seventy,  Simmery  Axe. 


We've  a  first  class  assortment  of  magic; 
And  for  raising  a  posthumous  shade 
With  effects  that  are  comic  or  tragic. 

There's  no  cheaper  house  in  the  trade. 
Love-philtre — we've  quantities  of  it; 

And  for  knowledge  if  any  one  burns, 
We   keep    an   extremely   small   prophet, 
prophet 
Who  brings  us  unbounded  returns: 
For  he  can  prophesy 
With  a  wink  of  his  eye. 


136  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

Peep  with  security 

Into  futurity, 

Sum  up  your  history. 

Clear  up  a  mystery. 

Humor  proclivity 

For  a  nativity. 

With  mirrors  so  magical, 

Tetrapods  tragical. 

Bogies  spectacular. 

Answers  oracular. 

Facts  astronomical, 

Solemn  or  comical, 

And,  if  you  want  it,  he 
Makes  a  reduction  on  taking  a  quantity! 
Oh! 
If  any  one  anything  lacks. 
He'll  find  it  all  ready  in  stacks, 

If  he'll  only  look  in 

On  the  resident  Djinn, 
Number  seventy,  Simmery  Axe! 


He  can  raise  you  hosts 
Of  ghosts. 
And  that  without  reflectors; 

And  creepy  things 

With  wings, 


The  Sorcerei^s  Song.  137 

And  gaunt  and  grisly  spectres! 
He  can  fill  you  crowds 
Of  shrouds, 
And  horrify  you  vastly; 
He  can  rack  your  brains 
With  chains, 
And  gibberings  grim  and  ghastly. 
Then,  if  you  plan  it,  he 
Changes  organity. 
With  an  urbanity. 
Full  of  Satanity, 
Vexes  humanity 
With  an  inanity 
Fatal  to  vanity — 
Driving  your  foes  to  the  verge  of  insanity! 
Barring  tautology. 
In  demonology, 
'Lectro  biology, 
Mystic  nosology. 
Spirit  philology. 
High  class  astrology, 
Such  is  his  knowledge,  he 
Isn't  the  man  to  require  an  apology! 

Oh! 
My  name  is  John  Wellington  Wells, 
I'm  a  dealer  in  magic  and  spells. 
In  blessings  and  curses. 
And  ever  filled  purses — 


138  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

In  prophecies,  witches  and  knells! 

If  any  one  anything  lacks, 

He'll  find  it  all  ready  in  stacks. 
If  he'll  only  look  in 
On  the  resident  Djinn, 

Knmher  seventy,  Simmery  Axel 


V 


Speculation.  139 


SPECULATION. 


Comes  a  train  of  little  ladies 
From  scholastic  trammels  free, 

Each  a  little  bit  afraid  is, 

Wondering  what  the  world  can  be! 


Is  it  but  a  world  of  troubl 
Sadness  set  to  song? 
Is  its  beauty  but  a  bubble 
Bound  to  break  ere  long? 


Are  its  palaces  and  pleasures 
Fantasies  that  fade? 

And  the  glories  of  its  treasures 
Shadow  of  a  shade? 


Schoolgirls  we,  eighteen  and  under. 
From  scholastic  trammels  free. 

And  we  wonder — how  we  wonder! — 
What  on  earth  the  world  can  be  I 


140  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


THE  DUKE  OF  PLAZA-TORO.    ^ 

In  enterprise  of  martial  kind, 

When  there  was  any  fighting, 
He  led  his  regiment  from  behind, 

He  found  it  less  exciting. 
But  when  away  his  regiment  ran. 
His  place  was  at  the  fore,  0 — 
That  celebrated. 
Cultivated, 
Underrated 
Nobleman, 
The  Duke  of  Plaza-Toro! 
In  the  first  and  foremost  flight,  ha,  hal 
You  always  found  that  knight,  ha,  ha! 
That  celebrated, 
Cultivated, 
Underrated 
Nobleman, 
The  Duke  of  Plaza-Torol 


When,  to  evade  Destruction's  hand. 
To  hide  they  all  proceeded. 

No  goldier  in  that  gallant  band 
Hid  half  as  well  as  he  did. 


The  DuJce  of  Plaza-Toro.  141 

He  lay  concealed  throughout  the  war, 
And  so  preserved  his  gore,  0! 
That  unaffected, 
Undetected, 
Well  connected 
Warrior, 
The  Duke  of  Plaza-Toro! 
In  every  doughty  deed,  ha  ha! 
He  always  took  the  lead,  ha  ha! 
That  unaffected. 
Undetected, 
Well  connected 
Warrior, 
The  Duke  of  Plaza-Torol 


When  told  that  they  would  all  be  shot 

Unless  they  left  the  service, 
The  hero  hesitated  not. 

So  marvellous  his  nerve  is. 
He  sent  his  resignation  in. 
The  first  of  all  his  corps,  01 
That  very  knowing, 
Overflowing, 
Easy-going 
Paladin,    • 
The  Duke  of  Plaza-Toro! 


142  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

To  men  of  grosser  clay,  ha,  ha! 
He  always  showed  the  way,  ha,  ha! 
That  very  knowing. 
Overflowing, 
Easy-going 
Paladin, 
The  Duke  of  Plaza-Toro! 


The  Reward  of  Merit.  143 


THE   EEWARD    OF   MERIT. 

Dr.  Belville  vas  regarded  as  the  Crichton  of 

his  age: 
His    tragedies    were    reckoned    much    too 

thoughtful  for  the  stage; 
His  poems  held  a  noble  rank,  although  it's 

very  true 
That,  being  very  proper,  they  were  read  by 

very  few. 
He  was  a  famous  Painter,  too,  and  shone 

upon  the  "line," 
And  even  Mr.  Ruskin  came  and  worshipped 

at  his  shrine; 
But,  alas,  the  school  he  followed  was  heroic- 
ally high — 
The  kind  of  Art  men  rave  about,  but  very 

seldom  buy — 
And  everybody  said 
"How  can  he  be  repaid — 
This  very  great — this  very  good — this  very 

gifted  man?" 
But  nobody  could  hit  upon  a  practicable 

plan! 


144  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

He  was  a  great  Inventor,  and  discovered,  all 
alone, 

A  plan  for  making  everybody's  fortune  but 
his  own; 

For,  in  business,  an  Inventor's  little  better 
than  a  fool, 

And  my  highly  gifted  friend  was  no  excep- 
tion to  the  rule. 

His  poems — people  read  them  in  the  Quar- 
terly Reviews — 

His  pictures — they  engraved  them  in   the 
Illustrated  News — 

His  invention* — they,  perhaps,  might  have 
enriched  him  by  degrees. 

But  all  his  little  income  went  in  Patent  Office 
fees; 
And  everybody  said 
"How  can  he  be  repaid — 

This  very  great — this  very  good — this  very 
gifted  man?" 

But  nobody  could  hit  upon  a  practicable 
plan! 


At  last  the  point  was  given  up  in  absolute 

despair, 
When  a: distant  cousin  died,  and  he  became  a 

millionaire, 


The  Reward  of  Merit.  145 

With  a  county  seat  in  Parliament,  a  moor  or 
two  of  grouse, 

And    a    taste    for    making    inconvenient 
speeches  in  the  House! 

Then  it  flashed  upon  Britannia  that  the  fit- 
test of  rewards 

Was,  to  take  him  from  the  Commons  and  to- 
put  him  in  the  Lords! 

And  who  so  fit  to  sit  in  it,  deny  it  if  you  can. 

As  this  very  great — this  very  good — this  very- 
gifted  man? 
(Though  I'm  more  than  half  afraid 
That  it  sometimes  may  be  said 

That  we  never  should  have  revelled  in  that 
source  of  proper  pride. 

However   great   his   merits — if   his   cousin 
hadn't  died!) 


146  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

WHEN  I  FIRST  PUT  THIS  UNIFORM 
ON. 

When  I  first  put  this  uniform  on, 
I  said,  as  I  looked  in  the  glass, 
"It's  one  to  a  million 
That  any  civilian 
My  figure  and  form  will  surpass. 
Gold  lace  has  a  charm  for  the  fair, 
And  I've  plenty  of  that,  and  to  spare, 
While  a  lover's  professions, 
When  uttered  in  Hessians, 
Are  eloquent  everywhere!" 

A  fact  that  I  counted  upon, 
When  I  first  put  this  uniform  onl** 

I  said,  when  I  first  put  it  on, 
"It  is  plain  to  the  veriest  dunce 
That  every  beauty 
Will  feel  it  her  duty 
To  yield  to  its  glamor  at  once. 
They  will  see  that  I'm  freely  gold-laced 
In  a  uniform  handsome  and  chasten- 
But  the  peripatetics 
Of  long-haired  apsthetics, 
Are  very  much  inore  to  their  taste — 

Which  I  never  counted  upon 
When  I  first  put  this  uniform  on ! 


Said  I  to  Myself,  Said  I. 


147 


SAID  I  TO  MYSELF,  SAID  I. 

When  I  went  to  the  Bar  as  a  very  young  man, 

(Said  I  to  myself — said  I), 
I'll  work  on  a  new  and  original  plan 

(Said  I  to  myself — said  I), 
I'll  never  assume  that  a  rogue  or  a  thief 
Is  a  gentleman  worthy  implicit  belief. 
Because  liis  attorney  has  sent  me  a  brief 

(Said  I  to  myself — said  I!). 

I'll  never  throw  dust  in  a  juryman's  eyes 

(Said  I  to  myself — said  I), 
Or  hoodwink  a  judge  who  is  not  over-wise 

(Said  I  to  myself — said  I), 


148  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

Or  assume  that  the  witnesses  summoned  in 

force 
In    Exchequer,    Queen's    Bench,    Common 

Pleas,  or  Divorce, 
Have  perjured  themselves  as  a  matter  of 

course 
(Said  I  to  myself — said  I). 

Ere  I  go  into  court  I  will  read  my  brief 
through 

(Said  I  to  myself — said  I), 
And  I'll  never  take  work  I'm  unable  to  do 

(Said  I  to  myself — said  I). 
My  learned  profession  I'll  never  disgrace 
By  taking  a  fee  with  a  grin  on  my  face. 
When  I  haven't  been  there  to  attend  to  the 
case 

(Said  I  to  myself — said  I!). 

In  other  professions  in  which  men  engage 

(Said  I  to  myself — said  I), 
The  Army,  the  Navy,  the  Church,  and  the 
Stage 

(Said  I  to  myself — said  I), 
Professional  license,  if  carried  too  far. 
Your  chance  of  promotion  will  certainly  mar. 
And  I  fancy  the  rule  might  apply  to  the  Bar 

(Said  I  to  myself — said  1 1). 


The  Family  Fool  149 


THE  FAMILY  FOOL. 

Oh!  a  private  buffoon  is  a  light-hearted  loon. 

If  you  listen  to  popular  rumor; 
From  morning  to  night  he's  so  joyous  and 
bright, 
And  he  bubbles  with  wit  and  good-humor! 
He's  so  quaint  and  so  terse,  both  in  prose  and 
in  verse; 
Yet  though  people  forgive  his  transgres- 
sion, 
There  are  one  or  two  rules  that  all  Family 
Fools 
Must  observe,  if  they  love  their  profession. 
There  are  one  or  two  rules 

Half  a  dozen,  maybe. 
That  all  family  fools, 
Of  whatever  degree, 
Must  observe,  if  they  love  their  profession. 

If  you  wish  to  succeed  as  a  jester,  you'll  need 
To  consider  each  person  auricular: 

What  is  all  right  for  B  would  quite  scandal- 
ize C 
(For  C  is  so  very  particular); 


150  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

And  D  may  be  dull,  and  E's  very  thick  skull 

Is  as  empty  of  brains  as  a  ladle; 
While  F  is  F  sharp,  and  will  cry  with  a  carp, 
That  he's  knows  your  best  joke  from  his 
cradle! 
When  your  humor  they  flout, 
:  You  can't  let  yourself  go; 

And  it  does  put  you  out 
When  a  person  says,  "Oh! 
I   have  known   that  old  joke  from  my 
cradle!" 


If  your  master  is  surly,  from  getting  up  early 

(And  tempers  are  short  in  the  morning), 
An  inopportune  joke  is  enough  to  provoke 
Him  to  give  you,  at  once,  a  month's  warn- 
ing. 
Then  if  you  refrain,  he  is  at  you  again, 

For  he  likes  to  get  value  for  money. 
He'll  ask  then  and  there,  with  an  insolent 
stare, 
If  you  know  that  you're  paid  to  be  funny?" 
It  adds  to  the  task 

Of  a  merryman's  place, 
When  your  principal  asks, 
With  a  scowl  on  his  face. 
If  you  know  that  you're  paid  to  be  funny?" 


The  Family  Fool.  151 

Comes  a  Bishop,  maybe,  or  a  solemn  D.D. — 

Oh,  beware  of  his  anger  provoking! 
Better  not  pull  his  hair — don't  stick  pins  in 
his  chair; 
He  don't  understand  practical  joking. 
If  the  jests  that  you  crack  have  an  orthodox 
smack, 
You  may  get  a  bland  smile  from  these 
sages; 
But  should  it,  by  chance,  be  imported  from 
France, 
Half-a-crown  is  stopped  out  of  your  wages! 
It's  a  general  rule. 

Though  your  zeal  it  may  quench. 
If  the  Family  Fool 

Makes  a  joke  that's  too  French, 
Half-a-crown  is  stopped  out  of  his  wages! 

Though  your  head  it  may  rack  with  a  bilious 
attack. 
And  your  senses  with  toothache  you're 
losing. 
Don't  be  mopy  and  flat — they  don't  fine  you 
for  that. 
If  you're  properly  quaint  and  amusing! 
Though  your  wife  ran  away  with  a  soldier 
that  day, 
x\nd  took  v.'ith  her  your  trifle  of  money; 


152  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

Bless  your  hea^,  they  don't  mind — they're 
exceedingly  kind — 
They  don't  blame  you — as  long  as  you're 
funny! 
It's  a  comfort  to  feel 

If  your  partner  should  flit. 
Though  1/ou  suffer  a  deal, 
They  don't  mind  it  a  bit — 
They  don't  blame  you — so  long  as  you're 
funny! 


The  Ph  ilosophic  Pill  153 


THE  PHILOSOPHIC   PILL. 

V\e  wisdom  from   the   East   and  from  the 
West, 

That's  subject  to  no  academic  rule; 
You  may  find  it  in  the  jeering  of  a  jest. 

Or  distil  it  from  the  folly  of  a  fool. 
I  can  teach  you  with  a  quip,  if  I've  a  mind! 

I  can  trick  you  into  learning  with  a  laugh; 
Oh,  winnow  all  my  folly,  and  you'll  find 

A  grain  or  two  of  truth  among  the  chaff! 


I  can  set  a  braggart  quailing  with  a  quip. 

The  upstart  I  can  wither  with  a  whim; 
He  may  wear  a  merry  laugh  upon  his  lip, 

But  his  laughter  has  an  echo  that  is  grim. 
When  they're  offered  to  the  world  in  merry 
guise, 

Unpleasant  truths  are  swallowed  with  a 
will— 
For  he  who'd  make  his  fellow  creatures  wise 

Should  always  gild  the  philosophic  pill! 


154  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


THE  CONTEMPLATIVE   SENTRY. 

When  all  night  long  a  chap  remains 
On  sentry-go,  to  chase  monotony 
He  exercises  of  his  brains, 

That  is,  assuming  that  he's  got  any. 
Though  never  nurtured  in  the  lap 
Of  luxury,  yet  I  admonish  you, 
I  am  an  intellectual  chap. 

And  think  of  things  that  would  astonish 
you. 
I  often  think  it's  comical 

How  Nature  always  does  contrive 
That  every  boy  and  every  gal 

That's  born  into  the  world  alive 
Is  either  a  little  Liberal, 
Or  else  a  little  Conservative! 
Fal  lal  la! 


When  in  that  house  M.P's  divide, 

If  they've  a  brain  and  cerebellum,  too, 

They've  got  to  leave  that  brain  outside, 
And  vote  just  as  their  leaders  tell  'era  to. 

But  then  the  prospect  of  a  lot 

Of  statesmen,  all  in  close  proximity, 


The  Contemplative  Sentry.         155 

A-thinking  for  themselves,  is  what 
No  man  can  face  with  equanimity. 
Then  let's  rejoice  with  loud  Fal  lal 
That  Nature  wisely  does  contrive 
That  every  boy  and  every  gal 

That's  born  into  the  world  alive. 
Is  either  a  little  Liberal, 
Or  else  a  little  Conservative! 
Fal  lal  lal 


166  Songs  of  a  Savoyard, 


SOERY  HER  LOT. 

Sorry  her  lot  who  loves  too  well, 

Heavy  the  heart  that  hopes  but  vainly. 
Sad  are  the  sighs  that  own  the  spell 
Uttered  by  eyes  that  speak  too  plainly; 
Heavy  the  sorrow  that  bows  the  head 
When  Love  is  alive  and  Hope  is  dead  I 


Sad  is  the  hour  when  sets  the  Sun — 

Dark  is  the  night  to  Earth's  poor  daughters 
When  to  the  ark  the  wearied  one 

Flies  from  the  empty  waste  of  waters! 
Heavy  the  sorrow  that  bows  the  head 
When  Love  is  alive  and  Hope  is  dead! 


The  Judges  Song.  157 


THE  JUDGE'S  SONG. 

When  I,  good  friends,  was  called  to  the  Bar, 

I'd  an  appetite  fresh  and  hearty. 
But  I  was,  as  many  young  barristers  are, 

An  impecunious  party. 
I'd  a  swallow-tail  coat  of  a  beautiful  blue — 

A  brief  which  I  bought  of  a  booby — 
A  couple  of  shirts  and  a  collar  or  two, 

And  a  ring  that  looked  like  a  ruby! 

In  Westminster  Hall  I  danced  a  dance, 

Like  a  semi-despondent  fury; 
For  I  thought  I  should  never  hit  on  a  chance 

Of  addressing  a  British  Jury — 
But  I  soon  got  tired  of  third  class  journeys. 

And  dinners  of  bread  and  water; 
So  I  fell  in  love  with  a  rich  attorney's 

Elderly,  ugly  daughter. 

The  rich  attorney,  he  wiped  his  eyes, 
And  replied  to  my  fond  professions: 

'TTou  shall  reap  the  reward  of  your  enter- 
prise, 
At  the  Bailey  and  Middlesex  Sessions, 


158  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

You'll  soon  get  used  to  her  looks,"  said  he, 
"And  a  very  nice  girl  you'll  find  her — 

She  may  very  well  pass  for  forty-three 
In  the  dusk,  with  a  light  behind  her!" 

The  rich  attorney  was  as  good  as  his  word: 

The  briefs  came  trooping  gaily,  • 
And  every  day  my  voice  was  heard 

At  the  Sessions  or  Ancient  Bailey. 
All  thieves  who  could  my  fees  afford 

]?elied  on  my  orations, 
And  many  a  burglar  I've  restored 

To  Ills  friends  and  his  relations. 

At  length  I  became  as  rich  as  the  Gurneys— 

An  incubus  then  I  thought  her, 
So  I  threw  over  that  rich  attorney's 

Elderly,  ugly  daughter. 
The  rich  attorney  my  character  high 

Tried  vainly  to  disparage — 
And  now,  if  you  please,  I'm  ready  to  try 

This  Breach  of  Promise  of  Marriage! 


True  Diffidence.  159 


TRUE  DIFFIDENCE. 

My  boy,  you  may  take  it  from  me, 
That  of  all  the  afflictions  accurst 
With  which  a  man's  saddled 
And  hampered  and  addled, 
A  diffident  nature's  the  worst. 
Though  clever  as  clever  can  be — 
A  Crichton  of  early  romance — 
You  must  stir  it  and  stump  it, 
And  blow  your  own  trumpet, 
Or,  trust  me,  you  haven't  a  chance. 


Now  take,  for  example,  my  case: 

I've  a  bright  intellectual  brain — 
In  all  London  city 
There's  no  one  so  witty — 

I've  thought  so  again  and  again. 
I've  a  highly  intelligent  face — 

My  features  cannot  be  denied — 
But,  whatever  I  try,  sir, 
I  fail  in — and  why,  sir? 

I'm  modesty  personified! 


160  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

As  a  poet,  I*m  tender  and  quaint — 

I've  passion  and  fervor  and  grace — 
From  Ovid  and  Horace 
To  Swinburne  and  Morris, 

The}^  all  of  them  take  a  back  place. 
Then  I  sing  and  I  play  and  I  paint; 

Though  none  are  accomplished  as  I, 
To  say  so  were  treason : 
You  ask  me  the  reason? 

I'm  diffident,  modest  and  shy! 


Th€  Highly  Respectable  Gondolier.    101 


THE    HIGHLY    RESPECTABLE    GON- 
DOLIER. 

I  stole  the  Prince,  and  I  brought  him  here. 

And  left  him,  gaily  prattling 
With  a  highly  respectable  Gondolier, 
"V\Tio  promised  the  Royal  babe  to  rear. 
And  teach  him  the  trade  of  a  timoneer 
With  his  own  beloved  bratling. 

Both  of  the  babes  were  strong  and  stout. 

And,  considering  all  things,  clever. 
Of  that  there  is  no  manner  of  doubt — 
No  probable,  possible  shadow  of  doubt — 
No  possible  doubt  whatever. 


163  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

Time  sped,  and  when  at  the  end  of  a  year 

I  sought  that  infant  cherished, 
That  highly  respectable  Gondolier 
Was  lying  a  corpse  on  his  humble  bier — 
,1  dropped  a  Grand  Inquisitor's  tear — 
That  Gondolier  had  perished. 


A  taste  for  drink,  combined  with  gout, 

Had  doubled  him  up  for  ever. 
Of  that  there  is  no  manner  of  doubt — 
No  probable,  possible  shadow  of  doubt — 
No  possible  doubt  whatever. 


But  owing,  I'm  much  disposed  to  fear. 
To  his  terrible  taste  for  tippling, 
That  highly  respectable  Gondolier 
Could  never  declare  with  a  mind  sincere 
Which  of  the  two  was  his  offspring  dear. 
And  which  the  Royal  stripling! 


Which  was  which  he  could  never  make  out, 

Despite  his  best  endeavor. 
Of  that  there  is  no  manner  of  doubt — 
No  probable,  possible  shadow  of  doubt — 

No  possible  doubt  whatever. 


The  Highly  Respectable  Gondolier.    16$ 

The  children  followed  his  old  career — 
(This  statement  can't  be  parried) 
Of  a  highly  respectable  Gondolier: 
Well,  one  of  the  two  (who  will  soon  be  here) — 
But  ichich  of  the  two  is  not  quite  clear- — 
Is  the  Royal  Prince  you  married! 


Search  in  and  out  and  round  about 

And  you'll  discover  never 
A  tale  so  free  from  every  doubt — 
All  probable,  possible  shadow  of  doubt^ 

All  possible  doubt  whatever! 


164  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


DON'T  FOEGET. 

Now,  Marco  dear, 
My  wishes  hear: 

While  you're  away 
It's  understood 
You  will  be  good, 

And  not  too  gay. 
To  every  trace 
Of  maiden  grace 

You  will  be  blind, 
And  will  not  glance 
By  any  chance 

On  womankind  1 
If  you  are  wise, 
You'll  shut  your  eyes 
'Till  we  arrive, 
And  not  address 
A  lady  less 

Than  forty-five; 
You'll  please  to  frown 
On  every  gown 

That  you  may  see; 
And  0,  my  pet, 
You  won't  forget 

You've  married  mel 


Don't  Forget.  165 

0,  my  darling,  0,  my  pet. 
Whatever  else  you  may  forget. 
In  yonder  isle  beyond  the  sea, 
0,  don't  forget  you've  married  me! 


You'll  lay  your  head 
Upon  your  bed 

At  set  of  sun. 
You  will  not  sing 
Of  anything 

To  any  one: 
You'll  sit  and  mope 
All  day,  I  hope, 

And  shed  a  tear 
Upon  the  life 
Your  little  \vife 

Is  passing  here! 
And  if  so  be 
You  think  of  me, 

Please  tell  the  moon: 
I'll  read  it  all 
In  rays  that  fall 

On  the  lagoon: 
You'll  be  so  kind 
As  tell  the  wind 


166  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

How  you  may  be, 
And  send  me  words 
By  little  birds 

To  comfort  me! 


And  0,  my  darling,  0,  my  pet, 
Whatever  else  you  may  forget, 
In  yonder  isle  beyond  the  sea, 
O,  dpn't  forget  you've  married  me! 


The  Darned  Mounseer.  167 


THE  DARNED  MOUNSEER. 

I  shipped,  d'ye  see,  in  a  Revenue  sloop, 
And,  off  Cape  Finistere, 
A  merchantman  we  see, 
A  Frenchman,  going  free. 
So  we  made  for  the  bold  Mounseer. 

D'ye  see? 
We  made  for  the  bold  Mounseer! 
But  she  proved  to  be  a  Frigate — and  she  up 
with  her  ports, 
And  fires  with  a  thirty-two! 
It  come  uncommon  near. 
But  we  answered  with  a  cheer, 
Which  paralyzed  the  Parley-voo, 

D'ye  see? 
Which  paralyzed  the  Parley-voo! 

Then  our  Captain  he  up  and  he  says,  says  he, 
"That  chap  we  need  not  fear, — 
We  can  take  her,  if  we  like. 
She  is  sartin  for  to  strike, 
For  she's  only  a  darned  Mounseer, 

D'ye  see? 
She's  only  a  darned  Mounseer! 


168  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

But  to  fight  a  French  fal-lal— it's  like  hittin' 
of  a  gal — 
It's  a  lubberly  thing  for  to  do; 
For  we,  with  all  our  faults. 
Why,  we're  sturdy  British  salts. 
While  she's  but  a  Parley-voo, 

D'ye  see? 
A  miserable  Parley-voo!" 


So  we  up  with  our  helm,  and  we  scuds  before 
the  breeze. 
As  we  gives  a  compassionating  cheer; 
Froggee  answers  with  a  shout 
As  he  sees  us  go  about, 
Which  was  grateful  of  the  poor  Mounseer, 

D'ye  see? 
Which  was  grateful  of  the  poor  Mounseer! 
And  I'll  wager  in  their  joy  they  kissed  each 
other's  cheek 
(Which  is  what  them  furriners  do). 
And  they  blessed  their  lucky  stars 
We  were  hardy  British  tars 
Who  had  pity  on  a  poor  Parley-voo, 

D'ye  see? 
Who  had  pity  on  a  poor  Parley-voo! 


The  Humane  Mikado.  169 


THE   HUMANE   MIKADO. 

A  more  humane  Mikado  neve^ 
Did  in  Japan  exist, 
To  nobody  second, 
I'm  certainly  reckoned 
A  true  philanthropist, 
It  is  my  very  humane  endeavor 
To  make,  to  some  extent, 
Each  evil  liver 
A  running  river 
Of  harmless  merriment. 
My  object  all  sublime 
I  shall  achieve  in  time — 
To  let  the  punishment  fit  the  crime — 
The  punishment  fit  the  crime; 
And  make  each  prisoner  pent 
Unwillingly  represent 
A  source  of  innocent  merriment. 
Of  innocent  merriment! 


All  prosy  dull  society  sinners, 
Who  chatter  and  bleat  and  bore. 
Are  sent  to  hear  sermons 
From  mystical  Germans 


170  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

Who  preach  from  ten  to  four, 
Tlie  amateur  tenor,  whose  vocal  villanies 
All  desire  to  shirk, 

Shall,  during  off  hours. 
Exhibit  his  powers 
To  Madame  Tussaud's  waxwork. 
The  lady  who  dyes  a  chemical  yellow, 
Or  stains  her  grey  hair  puce. 
Or  pinches  her  figger. 
Is  blacked  like  a  nigger 
With  permanent  walnut  juice. 
The  idiot  who,  in  railway  carriages. 
Scribbles  on  window  panes, 
We  only  suffer 
To  ride  on  a  buffer 
In  Parliamentary  trains. 
My  object  all  sublime 
I  shall  achieve  in  time — 
To  let  the  punishment  fit  the  crime — 
The  punishment  fit  the  crime; 
And  make  each  prisoner  pent 
Unwillingly  represent 
A  source  of  innocent  merriment, 
Of  innocent  merriment! 


The  advertising  quack  who  wearies 
With  tales  of  countless  cures, 


The  Humane  Mikado.  171 

His  teeth,  I've  enacted, 

Shall  all  be  extracted 
By  terrified  amateurs. 
The  music  hall  singer  attends  a  series 
Of  masses  and  fugues  and  "ops'* 

By  Bach,  interwoven 

With  Sophr  and  Beethoven, 
At  classical  Monday  Pops. 
The  billiard  sharp  whom  any  one  catches. 
His  doom's  extremely  hard — 

He's  made  to  dwell 

In  a  dungeon  cell 
On  a  spot  that's  always  barred. 
And  there  he  plays  extravagant  matches 
In  fitless  finger-stalls, 

On  a  cloth  untrue 

With  a  twisted  cue, 
And  elliptical  billiard  balls! 


My  object  all  sublime 
I  shall  achieve  in  time — 
To  let  the  punishment  fit  the  crime — 
The  punishment  fit  the  crime; 
And  make  each  prisoner  pent 
Unwillingly  represent 
A  source  of  innocent  merriment. 
Of  innocent  merriment! 


172  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


THE  HOUSE  OF  PEEES. 

When  Britain  really  ruled  the  waves — 

(In  good  Queen  Bess's  time) 
The  House  of  Peers  made  no  pretence 
To  intellectual  eminence, 

Or  scholarship  suhlime; 
Yet  Britain  won  her  proudest  bays 
In  good  Queen  Bess's  glorious  days! 

"When  Wellington  thrashed  Bonaparte, 

As  every  child  can  tell, 
The  House  of  Peers,  throughout  the  war. 
Did  nothing  in  particular, 

And  did  it  very  well; 
Yet  Britain  set  the  world  a-blaze 
In  good  King  George's  glorious  days! 

And  while  the  House  of  Peers  withholds 

Its  legislative  hand, 
And  nolDle  statesmen  do  not  itch 
To  interfere  with  matters  which 

They  do  not  understand, 
As  bright  will  shine  Great  Britain's  rays, 
As  in  King  George's  glorious  days! 


The  JEsthete. 


173 


THE  ESTHETE. 


If  you're  anxious  for  to  shine  in  the  high 
aesthetic  line,  as  a  man  of  culture  rare, 

You  must  get  up  all  the  germs  of  the  tran- 
scendental terms,  and  plant  them 
everywhere. 

You  must  lie  upon  the  daisies  and  discourse 
in  novel  phrases  of  your  complicated 
state  of  mind, 

The  meaning  doesn't  matter  if  it's  only  idle 
chatter  of  a  transcendental  kind. 


174  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

And  everyone  will  say. 
As  you  walk  your  mystic  way, 
*1f  this  young  man  expresses  himself  in 

terms  too  deep  for  me, 
Why,  what  a  very  singularly  deep  young  man 
this  deep  young  man  must  be!" 

Be  eloquent  in  praise  of  the  very  dull  old  days 

which  have  long  since  passed  away, 
And  convince  'em  if  you  can,  that  the  reign 

of  good  Queen  Anne  was  Culture's 

palmiest  day. 
Of  course  you  will  pooh-pooh  whatever's  fresh 

and  new,  and  declare  it's  crude  and 

mean. 
And  that  art  stopped  short  in  the  cultivated 

court  of  the  Empress  Josephine. 
And  everyone  will  say. 
As  you  walk  your  mystic  way, 
*1f  that's  not  good  enough  for  him  which  is 

good  enough  for  me, 
Why,  what  a  very  cultivated  kind  of  youth 

this  kind  of  youth  must  be!" 

Then  a  sentimental  passion  of  a  vegetable 
fashion  must  excite  your  languid 
spleen, 


The  .Esthete.  175 

An  attachment  a  la  Plato  for  a  bashful  young 

potato,  or  a  not-too-French  French 

bean. 
Though  the  Philistines  may  jostle,  you  will 

rank  as  an  apostle  in  the  liigh  aBsthetic 

band. 
If  you  walk  down  Picadilly  with  a  poppy  or 

a  lily  in  your  mediaBval  hand. 
And  everyone  will  say, 
As  you  walk  your  flowery  way, 
*1t  he's  content  with  a  vegetable  love  which 

would  certainly  not  suit  me, 
Why,  what  a  most  particularly  pure  young 

man  this  pure  young  man  must  be!" 


176  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


PROPER  PRIDE. 

The  Sun,  whose  rays 
Are  all  ablaze 

With  ever  living  glory. 
Does  not  deny 
His  majesty — 

He  scorns  to  tell  a  story! 
He  don't  exclaim 
"I  blush  for  shame, 

So  kindly  be  indulgent," 
But,  fierce  and  bold, 
In  fiery  gold. 

He  glories  all  effulgent! 

I  mean  to  rule  the  earth, 

As  he  the  sky — 
We  really  know  our  worth. 

The  Sun  and  I! 

Observe  his  flame, 
That  placid  dame. 

The  Moon's  Celestial  Highness; 
There's  not  a  trace 
Upon  her  face 

Of  diffidence  or  shyness: 


Proper  Pride.  17T 

She  borrows  light 
That,  through  the  night, 

Mankind  may  all  acclaim  her! 
And,  truth  to  tell, 
She  lights  up  well. 

So  I,  for  one,  don't  blame  her! 

Ah,  pray  make  no  mistake, 

We  are  not  shy; 
We're  very  wide  awake, 

The  Moon  and  II 


178  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


THE  BAFFLED  GRUMBLER. 

Whene'er  I  poke 
Sarcastic  joke 
Replete  with  malice  spiteful, 
The  people  vile 
Politely  smile 
And  vote  me  quite  delightful! 
Now,  when  a  wight 
Sits  up  all  night 
Ill-natured  jokes  devising, 
And  all  his  wiles 
Are  met  with  smiles, 
It's  hard,  there's  no  disguising! 
Oh,  don't  the  days  seem  lank  and  long 
When  all  goes  right  and  nothing  goes  wrong. 
And  isn't  your  life  extremely  flat 
With  nothing  whatever  to  grumble  at! 

When  German  bands 

From  music  stands 
Play  Wagner  imperfectly — 

I  bid  them  go — 

They  don't  say  no, 
But  off  they  trot  directly! 


The  Baffled  Grumbler.  17^ 

The  organ  boys 

They  stop  their  noise 
J  With  readiness  surprising, 

And  grinning  herds 

Of  hurdy-gurds 
Retire  apologizing! 
Oh,  don't  the  days  seem  lank  and  long 
When  all  goes  right  and  nothing  goes  wrong. 
And  isn't  your  life  extremely  flat 
With  nothing  whatever  to  grumble  atl 

I've  offered  gold. 
In  sums  untold, 
To  all  who'd  contradict  me — 
I've  said  I'd  pay 
A  pound  a  day 
To  any  one  who  kicked  me — 
I've  bribed  with  toys 
Great  vulgar  boys 
To  utter  something  spiteful, 
But,  bless  you,  no! 
They  will  be  so 
Confoundedly  politeful! 
In  short,  these  aggravating  lads 
They  tickle  my  tastes,  they  feed  my  fads, 
They  give  me  this  and  they  give  me  that, 
And  I've  nothing  whatever  to  grumble  att 


180  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


THE  WORKING  MONARCH. 

Rising  early  in  the  morning, 
We  proceed  to  light  our  fire; 

Then  onr  Majesty  adorning 
In  its  work-a-day  attire, 

We  embark  without  delay 

On  the  duties  of  the  day. 

Pirst,  we  polish  off  some  batches 
Of  political  dispatches, 

And  foreign  politicians  circumvent; 
Then,  if  business  isn't  heavy, 
We  may  hold  a  Royal  levee. 

Or  ratify  some  acts  of  Parliament; 
Then   we   probably   review   the   household 

troops — 
With  the  usual  "Shalloo  humps!"  and  "Shal- 

loo  hoops!" 
Or  receive  with  ceremonial  and  state 
An  interesting  Eastern  Potentate. 

After  that  we  generally 

Go  and  dress  our  private  valet — 
(It's  rather  a  nervous  duty — he's  a  touchy 
little  man) — 


The  Working  Monarch.  181 

Write  some  letters  literary 
For  our  private  secretary — 
He  is  shaky  in  his  spelling,  so  we  help  him  if 
we  can. 
Then,  in  view  of  cravings  inner. 
We  go  down  and  order  dinner; 
Or  we  polish  the  Regalia  and  the  Coronation 
Plate- 
Spend  an  hour  in  titivating 
All  our  Gentlemen-in- Waiting; 
Or  we  run  on  little  errands  for  the  Ministers 
of  State. 
Oh,  philosophers  may  sing 
Of  the  troubles  of  a  King; 
Yet  the  duties  are  delightful,  and  the  privi- 
leges great ; 
But  the  privilege  and  pleasure 
That  we  treasure  beyond  measure 
Is  to  run  on  little  errands  for  the  Ministers  of 
State! 


After  luncheon  (making  merry 
On  a  bun  and  glass  of  sherry), 

If  we've  nothing  particular  to  do. 
We  may  make  a  Proclamation, 
Or  receive  a  Deputation — 

Then  we  possibly  create  a  Peer  or  two. 


182  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

Then -we  help  a  fellow  creature  on  his  path 
With  the  Garter  or  the  Thistle  or  the  Bath: 
Or  we  dress  and  toddle  off  in  semi-State 
To  a  festival,  a  function,  or  a  fete. 
Then  we  go  and  stand  as  sentry 
At  the  Palace  (private  entry), 
Marching  hither,  marching  thither,  up  and 
down  and  to  and  fro, 
"While  the  warrior  on  duty 
Goes  in  search  of  beer  and  beauty 
{And  it  generally  happens  that  he  hasn't  far 
to  go). 
He  relieves  us,  if  he's  able, 
Just  in  time  to  lay  the  table, 
Then  we  dine  and  serve  the  coffee;  and  at 
half-past  twelve  or  one, 
With  a  pleasure  that's  emphatic, 
We  retire  to  our  attic 
With  the  gratifying  feeling  that  our  duty  has 
been  done. 
Oh,  philosophers  may  sing 
Of  the  troubles  of  a  King, 
But  of  pleasures  there  are  many  and  of  trou- 
bles there  are  none; 
And  the  culminating  pleasure 
That  we  treasure  beyond  measure 
Ts  the  gratifving  feeling  that  our  duty  has 
been  done! 


The  Rover's  Apology.  183 

THE   ROVER'S  APOLOGY. 

Oh,  gentlemen,  listen,  I  pray; 

Though  I  own  that  my  heart  has  been 
ranging, 
Of  nature  the  laws  I  obey, 

For  nature  is  constantly  changing. 
The  moon  in  her  phases  is  found, 

The  time  and  the  wind  and  the  weather, 
The  months  in  succession  come  round, 
And  you  don't  find  two  Mondays  together. 
Consider  loe  moral,  I  pray. 

Nor  bring  a  young  fellow  to  sorrow, 
Who  loves  thi :  young  lady  to-day. 
And  loves  that  young  lady  to-morrow. 

You  cannot  eat  breakfast  all  day. 

Nor  is  it  the  act  of  a  sinner, 
When  breakfast  is  taken  away 

To  turn  your  attention  to  dinner; 
And  it's  not  in  the  range  of  belief. 

That  you  could  hold  him  as  a  glutton. 
Who,  when  he  is  tired  of  beef. 
Determines  to  tackle  the  mutton. 
But  this  I  am  ready  to  say. 

If  it  will  diminish  their  sorrow, 
I'll  marry  this  lady  to-day. 

And  I'll  marry  that  lady  to-morrow! 


184  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


WOULD  YOU  KNOW? 

Would  you  know  the  kind  of  maid 

Sets  my  heart  a  flame-a? 
Eyes  must  be  downcast  and  staid. 

Cheeks  must  flush  for  shame-a! 
She  may  neither  dance  nor  sing, 
But,  demure  in  everything. 
Hang  her  head  in  modest  way. 
With  pouting  lips  that  seem  to  say 

•^'Kiss  me,  kiss  me,  kiss  me,  kiss  me, 
Though  I  die  of  shame-a." 

Please  you,  that's  the  kind  of  maid 
Sets  my  heart  a  flame-a! 

When  a  maid  is  bold  and  gay. 

With  a  tongue  goes  clang-a, 
Flaunting  it  in  brave  array. 

Maiden  may  go  hang-a! 

Sunflower  gay  and  hollyhock 
Never  shall  my  garden  stock; 
Mine  the  blushing  rose  of  May, 
With  pouting  lips  that  seem  to  say, 

"Oh,  kiss  me,  kiss  me,  kiss  me,  kiss  me, 
Though  I  die  for  shame-a!" 

Please  you,  that's  the  kind  of  maid 
Sets  mv  heart  a  flame-a! 


The  Magnet  and  the  Churn.         185 


THE  MAGNET  AND  THE  CHURN. 


A  magnet  hung  in  a  hardware  shop. 

And  all  around  was  a  loving  crop 

Of  scissors  and  needles,  nails  and  knives, 

Offering  love  for  all  their  lives; 

But  for  iron  the  magnet  felt  no  whim. 

Though  he  charmed  iron,  it  charmed  not  him. 

From  needles  and  nails  and  knives  he'd  turn, 

For  he'd  set  his  love  on  a  Silver  Chum! 


18G  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

His  most  aesthetic, 

Very  magnetic 
Fancy  took  this  turn — 

"If  I  can  wheedle 

A  knife  or  needle, 
Why  not  a  Silver  Chum  ?" 


And  Iron  and  Steel  expressed  surprise, 
The  needles  opened  their  well  drilled  eyes, 
The  pen-knives  felt  "shut  up,"  no  doubt, 
The  scissors  declared  themselves  "cut  out." 
The  kettles  they  boiled  with  rage,  'tis  said. 
While  every  nail  went  off  its  head. 
And  hither  and  thither  began  to  roam. 
Till  a  hammer  came  up — and  drove  it  home. 

While  this  magnetic 

Peripatetic 
Lover  he  lived  to  leam, 

By  no  endeavor. 

Can  Magnet  ever 
Attract  a  Silver  Chum! 


Braid  the  Raven  Hair.  187 


BRAID  THE  RAVEN  HAIR. 

Braid  the  raven  hair, 

Weave  the  supple  tress, 
Deck  the  maiden  fair 

In  her  loveliness; 
Paint  the  pretty  face, 

Dye  the  coral  lip, 
Emphasize  the  grace 

Of  her  ladyship! 
Art  and  nature,  thus  allied, 
Go  to  make  a  pretty  bride! 

Sit  with  downcast  eye, 

Let  it  brim  with  dew; 
Try  if  you  can  cry. 

We  will  do  so,  too. 
When  you're  summoned,  start 

Like  a  frightened  roe; 
Flutter,  little  heart. 

Color,  come  and  go! 
Modesty  at  marriage  tide 
Well  becomes  a  pretty  bride! 


188  Songs  of  a  Savoyard, 


IS  LIFE  A  BOON? 

Is  life  a  boon? 

If  so,  it  must  befal 

That  Death,  whene'er  he  call, 
Must  call  too  soon. 

Though  fourscore  years  he  give, 

Yet  one  would  pray  to  live 
Another  moon! 

What  kind  of  plaint  have  I, 

Who  perish  in  July? 

I  might  have  had  to  die. 
Perchance,  in  June! 

Is  life  a  thorn? 

Then  count  it  not  a  whit! 
Man  is  well  done  with  it; 

Soon  as  he's  born 

He  should  all  means  essay 
To  put  the  plague  away; 

And  I,  war-worn, 

Poor  captured  fugitive, 
My  life  most  gladly  give — 
I  might  have  had  to  live 

Another  mom! 


A  Mirage.  189 


A  MIRAGE. 

Were  I  thy  bride, 

Then  the  whole  worid  beside 
Were  not  too  wide 

To  hold  my  wealth  of  love — 
Were  I  thy  bride! 
Upon  thy  breast 

My  loving  head  would  rest, 
As  on  her  nest 

The  tender  turtle  dove- 
Were  I  thy  bride! 


This  heart  of  mine 
Would  be  one  heart  with  thine. 
And  in  that  shrine 

Our  happiness  would  dwell~» 
Were  I  thy  bride! 
And  all  day  long 
Our  lives  should  be  a  song: 
No  grief,  no  wrong 

Should  make  my  heart  rebel- 
Were  I  thy  bride! 


190  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 

The  silvery  flute, 

The  melancholy  lute, 

Were  night  owl's  hoot 

To  my  low-whispered  coo- 
Were  I  thy  bride! 
The  skylark's  trill 

Were  but  discordance  shrill 
To  the  soft  thrill 

Of  wooing  as  I'd  woo— 
Were  I  thy  bride! 


The  rose's  sigh 
Were  as  a  carrion's  cry 

To  lullaby 

Such  as  I'd  sing  to  thee. 

Were  I  thy  bride! 

A  feather's  press 
Were  leaden  heaviness 

To  my  caress. 

But  then,  unhappily, 

I'm  not  thy  bride! 


A  Merry  Madrigal.  191 


A   MEREY   MADRIGAL. 

Brightly  dawns  our  wedding  day; 

Joyous  hour,  we  give  thee  greeting! 

Whither,  whither  art  thou  fleeting? 
Fickle  moment,  prithee  stay! 

What  though  mortal  joys  be  hollow? 

Pleasures  come,  if  sorrows  follow: 
Though  the  tocsin  sound,  ere  long, 
Ding  dong!     Ding  dong! 

Yet  until  the  shadows  fall 

Over  one  and  over  all. 

Sing  a  merry  madrigal — 

Fal  la! 

Let  us  dry  the  ready  tear; 

Though  the  hours  are  surely  creeping, 

Little  need  for  woeful  weeping. 
Till  the  sad  sundown  is  near. 

All  must  sip  the  cup  of  sorrow — 

I  to-day  and  thou  to-morrow: 
This  the  close  of  every  song — 
Ding  don^:!     Ding  dong! 

What,  tliough  solemn  shadows  fall, 

Sooner,  later,  over  all  ? 

Sing  a  merry  madrigal — 

Fal  la! 


192  Songs  of  a  Savoyard. 


THE  LOVE-SICK  BOY. 

When  first  my  old,  old  love  I  knew. 

My  bosom  welled  with  joy; 
My  riches  at  her  feet  I  threw; 

I  was  a  love-sick  boy! 
No  terms  seemed  too  extravagant 

Upon  her  to  employ — 
I  used  to  mope,  and  sigh,  and  pant. 

Just  like  a  love-sick  boy! 

But  joy  incessant  palls  the  sense; 

And  love,  unchanged  will  cloy. 
And  she  became  a  bore  intense 

Unto  her  love-sick  boy! 
With  fitful  glimmer  burnt  my  flame. 

And  I  grew  cold  and  coy, 
At  last,  one  morning,  I  became 

Another's  love-sick  boy! 


HENRY    ALTEMUS'   PUBLICATIONS. 
philai>ex.phijl.  pa. 


THB  RISB  OF  THB  DFTGH  RBPUBLIO  (a  HistoFy). 
By  John  I^othrop  Motley.  A  new  and  bandsom* 
llbrury  edition  of  a  Grand  Historical  Work.  Kov- 
belilshed  wiib  over  50  full-page  half-tone  BngraT- 
lags.  Cormplete  In  two  volumes — OTcr  1,600  pages. 
Crown  8v©.  Cloth,  per  set ,  $2.00.  Hilf  Morocco, 
gilt  top,  per  set,  $3.25. 

QUO  VADIS.  A  tale  of  the  time  of  Nero,  by  Heoryk 
Slenklewlcz.  Complete  aud  unabrldfed.  Trans- 
lated by  Dr.  S.  A.  BInton,  author  of  "Ancient 
Egypt."  etc.,  and  S.  Malevsky,  with  Illustrations 
by  M.  DeLlpman.  Crown  8ro.  ei«th,  oraamental, 
515  pages,  $1.25. 

MANUAL  OF  MYTHOLOGY.  For  the  us*  of  Schools, 
Art  Students,  and  General  Readers,  by  Alexander 
S.  Murray,  Department  of  Greek  and  Roman  An- 
tlqultles,  British  Museum.  With  Notes,  Revis- 
ions, aad  Additions  by  William  H.  Klapp,  Head- 
master of  the  Protestant  Episcopal  Academy, 
Philadelphia.  With  200  illustrations,  and  an  ex* 
baustive  Index.    Large  12mo.,  450  pages,  $1.25. 

"It  has  been  acknowledged  the  best  work  on  the 
■abject  ta  be  foand  In  a  concise  form,  and,  as  It 
embodies  the  results  of  the  latest  researches  and 
discoveries  In  ancient  mythologies.  It  Is  superior 
far  school  and  general  purposes  aa  a  hand  book 
te  any  of  the  so-tailed  standard  works." 

THB  AGE  OF  FABLE:  OB  BBAUTIES  OF  MYTHOL- 
OGY. By  Thomas  Bulflneb,  with  Notas.  Revis- 
ions, and  Addltians  by  William  H.  Klapp,  Head- 
master of  the  Protestant  Episcopal  Academy, 
Philadelphia.  With  200  illustrations  and  an  ex- 
hauatlre  Index.    Large  ll^mo.,  450  pages,  $1.25. 

TM»  work  has  altcav9  teen  rcgorici  aa  claaniral  authorlti/. 
"The  Greclivn  mythology  is  so  intimately  con- 
nected with  tb«  work  of  the  greatest  poets  that 
It  will  continue  to  be  Interesting  as  long  as  clas- 
sical poetry  exists,  and  must  form  an  Indispen- 
sable part  of  the  education  of  the  man  of  lltera- 
tara  and  of  tiie  gentleman.— Adnvuntf  Burke. 

TAINB'B  ENGLISH  LITERATURE,  traaslated  from  tke 
French  by  Henry  Van  Laaa,  llkist rated  with  20 
fine  photogravure  portraits.  Beat  English  library 
edition,  four  volumes,  cloth,  full  gilt,  octavo,  per 
set,  $10.00.  Half  calf,  per  aet.  $12.50.  Cheaper 
edition,  with  frontispiece  llloatrations  only,  cloth, 
paper  titles,  per  set,  $7.50. 

■VBPHEN.  A  SOLDIER  OF  THE  CROSS,  by  Florence 
Morse  KIngsley,  author  of  "Titus,  a  Comrj^e  ot. 
the  Cross."  "Since  Ben-Hur  no  story  has  so  viv- 
idly portrayed  the  times  of  Christ."— TJke  Boo*- 
$eiler.    Cloth,  12mo.,  869  pages.    $1.25. 


HENRY  ALTEMUS'   PUBLICATIONS. 


PAUli.  A  HERALD  OP  THE  CROSS,  by  Florenc« 
Morse  Kingsley.  "A  vivid  and  picturesque  nar- 
rative of  tbe  life  and  times  of  the  great  Apostle." 
Cloth,  12mo.,  450  pages,  $1.50. 

AMERICAN  POLITICS  (non-Partlsan),  by  Hon.  Thomas 
V.  Cooper.  A  history  of  all  the  Political  Parties 
with  their  views  and  records  on  all  important 
questions.    All    political    platforms    from    the    be- 

finning  to  date.  Great  Speeches  on  Great  fcsues. 
'arllainentary  Practice  and  tabulated  history  of 
chronological  events.  A  library  without  this  work 
is  deficient.  8vo..  750  pages.  Cloth,  $3.00.  Full 
Sheep  Library  style,  $4.00. 

VIC.  THE  AUTOBIOGRAPHY  OF  A  FOX  TERRIER, 
by  Marie  More  Mursh.  "A  fitting  companl*n  to 
that  other  wonderful  booli,  'Black  Beauty,'  " 
Cloth,  12m«.,  60  cents. 

WOMAN'S  WORK  IN  THE  HOME,  by  Archdeacon  Far- 
rar.    Cloth,  small  18mo.,  50  cents. 

TMB  APOCRYPHAL  BOOKS  OF  THE  NEW  TESTA- 
MENT, being  the  gospels  and  epistles  used  by  the 
followers  of  Christ  In  the  first  three  centuries 
after  his  death,  and  rejected  by  the  Couucll  of 
Nice,  A.  D.  325.    Cloth.  8vo.,  Illustrated,  $2.00 

THE  PILGRIM'S  PROGRESS,  aa  John  Bunyan  wrote  U. 
A  fac-slmile  reproduction  of  the  first  edition,  pub- 
lished in  1678.    Antique  cloth,  12mo.,  $1.25. 

THE  FAIREST  OF  THE  FAIR,  by  Hildegarde  Haw- 
thorne. "The  grand-daughter  of  Nathaniel  Haw- 
thorne possesses  a  full  share  of  his  wonderful 
genius."    Cloth,  16mo.,  $1.25. 

A  LOVER  IN  HOMESPUN,  by  F.  Clifford  Smith.  In- 
teresting tales  of  adventure  and  home  life  in  Can- 
ada.   Cloth,  12mo.,  75  cents. 

THE  GRAMMAR  OF  PALMISTRY,  by  Katharine  St. 
Hill.    Cloth,   12mo.,   illustrated,  75  cents. 

▲ROUND  THE  WORLD  IN  EIGHTY  MINUTES.     Con- 
tains over  100  photographs  of  the   most   famous 
£  laces  and  edifices  with  descriptive  text.    Cloth, 
9  cents. 

SHAKESPEARE'S  COMPLETE  WORKS,  with  a  biog- 
raphical sketch  by  Mary  Cowden  Clark,  embel- 
lished with  64  Bovdell.  and  numerous  other  illus- 
trations, four  volumes,  over  2.000  pages.  Half 
Morocco,  12mo.,  boxed,  per  set,  $3.00. 

THB  CARE  OF  CHILDREN,  by  Elisabeth  R.  Scovll. 
"An  excellent  book  of  tbe  most  vital  interest. 
Cloth,  12mo.,  $1.00. 

PBBPARATION  FOR  MOTHERHOOD,  by  BllMbeth  B. 
ScoTll.    Cloth,  12mo.,  320  pages,  $1.00. 


HENRY  ALTEMUS'   PUBLICATIONS. 


NAMBS  FOR  CHILDREN,  by  Elisabeth  Rol.DBon  Seo- 
vil,  author  of  "The  Care  of  Children,"  "Prepara- 
tloQ  for  Motherhood."  In  family  life  there  Is  no 
question  of  greater  weight  or  Importance  than 
naming  the  baby.  The  author  glres  much  good 
advice  and  many  suggestions  on  the  subject. 
Cloth.  12mo.,  I  .40. 

TBIF  AND  TRIXY,  by  John  Habberton.  author  of 
"Helen's  Babies."  The  story  Is  replete  with  rlTld 
and  spirited  scenes,  and  Is  comparatively  the  hap- 

glest    and    most    delightful    worlc    Mr.    Habberton 
as  yet  written.    Cloth,  12mo.,  |  .60. 

■HB  WHO  WILL  NOT  WHEN  8HB  MAT,  by  Eleanor 
G.  Walton.  Half-tone  illustrations  by  0.  P.  M. 
Rumford.  "An  exoulslte  prose  Idyl."  Cloth,  gilt 
top,  deckle  edges,  ll.OO. 

▲  SON  OF  THE  CAKOLINAS.  by  C.  E.  Satterthwalte. 
A  pure  romance  Introducing  a  lifelike  portrayal 
of  life  on  the  coast  islands  of  the  Palmetto  State. 
Cloth.  12mo..  280  pages.  50  cents. 

THB  DAY  BREAKETH.  by  Fannie  Alrlcks  Shugert.  A 
tale  of  Rome  and  Jerusalem  In  the  time  of  Chrlat. 
Cloth.  12mo.,  280  pages,  60  ceats. 

ALTEMUS'  CONVERSATION  DICTIONARIES.  Eng- 
lish-German, English-French.  "Combined  diction- 
aries and  phrase  books."    Pocket  size,  each  $1.00. 

WHAT  WOMEN  SHOULD  KNOW.  A  woman's  book 
about  women.  By  Mrs.  E.  B.  Dnffy.  Cloth,  320 
pages,  76  cents. 


DORE'S   MASTERPIECES. 

THB  DORE  BIBLB  GALLERY.    A  complete  panorama 

of  Bible  History,  containing  100  full  page  engraT- 

Ings  by  Gustave  Dore. 
MILTON'S  PARADISE  LOST,  with  60  fall  page  engrar- 

ings  by  Gustave  Dore. 
DANTE'S   INFERNO,   with  76  fnll  page  engrmvings  by 

Gustave  Dore. 

DANTE'S  PURGATORY  AND  PARADISB.  with  «0  full 
page  engravings  by  Gustave  Dore. 
Cloth,  ornamental,   large  quarto  (9  x  12  Inches),  each 
$2.00. 

TENNYSON'S  IDYLLS  OF  THE  KING,  with  87  full 
page  engravings  by  Gustave  Dore.  Cloth,  full 
gilt,  large  Imperial  quarto  (11x14^  Inches),  $4.60. 

THB  RIME  OF  THB  ANCIENT  MARINER,  by  Samuel 
Taylor  Coleridge,  with  4«  full  page  engravings  by 
Gustave  Dore.  Cloth,  fnll  gilt,  large  imperial 
quarto  (11x14^  inches),  $3.00. 


HENRY  ALTEMUS'   PUBLICATIONS. 


BUNYAN'S  PILGRIM'S  PROGRESS,  with  100  engrav- 
ings by  Frederick  Barnard  and  others.  Cloth, 
small  quarto  (9x10  inches),  $1.00. 

DICKENS'  CHILD'S  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND,  with 
75  fine  engravings  by  famous  artists.  Cloth,  small 
quarto,  boxed  (9x10  Inches),  $1.00. 

BIBLE  PICTURES  AND  STORIES,  100  full  page  en- 
gravings.   Cloth,  small  quarto  (7x9  tncheg),  $1.00. 

IfY  ODD  LITTLE  FOLK,  some  rhymes  and  verses  about 
them,  by  Malcolm  Douglass.  Numerous  original 
engravings.    Cloth,     small     quarto     (7x9     Inches), 

PAUL  AND  VIRGINIA,  by  Bernardln  de  St.  Pierre,  with 

125   engravings   by    Maurice    Lelolr.    Cloth,    small 

quarto  (9x10),  $1.00. 
LIFE   AND   ADVENTURES   OF    ROBINSON    CRUSOE, 

with    120   original    engravings    by    Walter    Paget. 

Cloth,  octavo  (7%x9%),  $1.50. 


ALTHMUS'  ILLUSTRATED  LIBRARY  OF 
STANDARD    AUTHORS. 

Olotk,  Twelve  Mo.  Size,  S%z7%  Inches.    Each  fl.OO. 


TALKS  FROM  SHAKESPEARE,  by  Charles  and  Mary 
Lamb,  with  155  Illustrations  by  famous  artists. 

PAUL  AND  VIRGINIA,  by  Bernardln  de  St.  Pierre,  with 
125  engravings  by  Maurice  Lelolr. 

ALICE'S  ADVENTURES  IN  WONDERLAND.  AND 
THROUGH  THE  LOOKING-GLASS  AND  WHAT 
ALICE  FOUND  THERE,  by  Lewis  Carroll.  Com- 
plete In  one  volume  with  92  engravings  by  John 
Tenniel. 

LUCILE,  by  Owen  Meredith,  with  numerous  illustratloDS 
by  George  Du  Maurier,  au  thor  of  Trilby. 

BLACK  BEAUTY,  by  Anna  Sewell,  with  nearly  50  origi- 
nal engravings. 

SCARLET  LETTER,  by  Nathaniel  Hawthorne,  with 
numerous  original  full-page  and  text  Illustrations. 

THE  HOUSE  OF  THE  SEVEN  GABLES,  by  Nathaniel 
Hawthorne,  with  numerous  original  full-page  and 
text  Illustrations. 

BATTLES  OF  THE  WAR  FOR  INDBPENDBNOB,  by 
Preacott  Holmes,  with  70  Illustrations. 

BATTLES  OF  THE  WAR  FOR  THE  UNION,  by  Prea- 
cott Holmes,  with  80  illustrations. 

THE  SONG  OF  HIAWATHA,  by  Henry  W.  LonfffelUw, 
with  100  illustrations. 


HENRY   ALTEMUS'   PUBLICATIONa 


ALTEMUS'  YOUNG  PEOPLES'  LIBRARY. 
Price,  60  cents  each. 


EOBINSON  CRUSOE:  (Chiefly  in  words  of  one  sylla- 
ble). His  lifo  and  strange,  surprising  adventures, 
with  70  beautiful  Illustrations  by  Waiter  Paget. 

ALICE'S  ADVENTURES  IN  WONDERLAND,  with  42 
illustrations  by  John  Tenniel.  "The  most  delight- 
ful of  children's  stories.  Elegant  and  delicious 
nonsense." — Saturday  Review. 

TMROUGH  THE  LOOKING-GLASS  AND  WHAT 
ALICE  FOUND  THERE;  a  companion  to  "Aiica 
in  Wonderland,"  with  50  Illustrations  by  John 
Tenniel. 

BUNTAN'S  PILGRIMS  PROGRESS,  with  60  fall  paff* 

and  text  illustrations. 

A  CHILD'S  STORY  OF  THE  BIBLE,  with  72  full  page 

illustrati«n8. 

A  CHILD'S  LIFE  OF  CHRIST,  with  49  illustrations. 
God  has  implanted  in  the  infant  heart  a  desire 
to  hear  of  Jesus,  and  children  are  early  attracted 
and  sweetly  riveted  by  the  wonderful  Story  of  the 
Master  from  the  Manger  to  the  Throne. 

•WISS  FAMILY  ROBINSON,  with  60  illustrations.  The 
father  of  the  family  tells  the  tale  of  the  vicissi- 
tud<'8  through  which  he  and  his  wife  and  chil- 
dren pass,  the  wonderful  discoveries  made  and 
dangers  encountered.  The  book  Is  full  of  interest 
and  instruction. 

CHRISTOPHER  COLUMBUS  AND  THE  DISCOVERT 
OF  AMERICA,  with  70  illustrations.  Every 
American  buy  and  girl  should  be  acquainted  with 
the  story  ef  the  life  of  the  great  discoverer,  with 
Its  struggles,  adventures,  and  trials. 

THB  STORY  OF  EXPLORATION  AND  DISCOVERY 
IN  AFRICA,  with  80  illustrations.  Records 
the  experiences  of  adventures  and  discoveries  in 
developing  the  "Dark  Continent,"  from  the  early 
days  of  Bruce  and  Mungo  Park  down  to  Living- 
stone and  Stanley,  and  the  heroes  of  our  own 
times.  No  present  can  be  more  acceptable  than 
such  a  volume  as  this,  where  courage,  intrepidity, 
resource,  and  devotion  are  so  admirably  mingled. 

ms  FABLES  OF  iESOP.  Compiled  from  the  best  ac- 
cepted sources:  With  62  Illustrations.  The  fables 
of  .*>op  are  among  the  very  earliest  compositions 
of  this  kind,  and  probably  have  never  been  sur- 
passed for  point  and  brevity. 


HENRY   ALTEMUS'   PIFBLICATIONS. 


Altemai'  Young  Peoples'  Library— Continued. 


Price,  60  cents  each. 

GULLIVER'S  TRAVELS.  Adapted  for  young  readers, 
with  60  Illustrations. 

MOTHER  GOOSE'S  RHYMES.  JINGLES  AND   FAIRT 
TALES,  with  234  illustrations. 

LIVES  OF  THE  PRESIDENTS  OF  THE  UNITED 
STATES,  by  Prescott  Holmes.  With  portraits  of 
the  Presidents  and  also  of  the  unsuccessful  can- 
didates for  the  office;  as  well  as  the  ablest  of  the 
Cabinet  officers.  It  is  Just  the  book  for  intelli- 
gent boys,  and  it  will  help  to  make  them  intelli- 
gent and  patriotic  citizens. 

THE  STORY  OF  ADVENTURE  IN  THH  FROZEN 
SHAS,  with  70  Illustrations.  By  Prescott  Holmes. 
We  have  here  brought  together  the  records  of  the 
attempts  to  reach  the  North  Pole.  The  book 
■hows  how  much  can  be  accomplished  by  steady 
perseverance  and  indomitable  pluck. 

ILLUSTRATED  NATURAL  HISTORY,  by  the  Rev.  J. 
G.  Wood,  with  80  illustrations.  This  author  has 
done  more  to  popularize  the  study  of  natural  his- 
tory than  any  other  writer.  The  illustrations  are 
striking  and  life-like. 

A  CHILD'S  HISTORY  OF  ENGLAND,  by  Charles  Dick- 
ens, with  60  Illustrations.  Tired  of  listening  to 
his  children  memorize  the  twaddle  of  old  fashioned 
English  history  the  author  cove^d  the  ground  in 
his  own  peculiar  and  happy  style  for  his  own 
children's  use.  When  the  work  was  published  its 
■uccess  was  Instantaneous. 

BLACK  BEAUTY;  THE  AUTOBIOGRAPHY  OF  A 
HORSE,  by  Anna  Sewell,  with  60  illustrations. 
A  work  sure  to  educate  boys  and  girls  to  treat 
with  kindness  all  members  of  the  animal  king- 
dom. Recognized  as  the  greatest  story  of  animal 
life  extant. 

THE  ARABIAN  NIGHTS  ENTERTAINMENTS,  with 
180  illustrations.  Contains  the  most  favorably 
ksown  of  the  stories. 

GRIMM'S  FAIRY  TALES.    With  65  illustrations. 

The  Tales  are  a  wonderfnl  collection,  as  inter- 
esting;, from  a  literary  point  of  view,  as  they  ar« 
delightful  as  stories. 

FLOWER  FABLES.  Bv  Louisa  May  Alcott.  With  na- 
merous   illustrations,   full    page  and   text. 

A  series  of  very  interesting  fairy  tales  by  the 
most  charming  of  American  story-tellers. 


HENRY   ALTEMUS'   PUBLICATIONS. 


Altemaa'  Young  Peoples'  Library — Continued. 
Price,  50  cents  each. 


ANDERSEN'S  FAIRY  TALES.    By  Hana  Chrlatlan  An- 
dersen.    With  77  Illustrations. 

The  spirit  of  high  moral  teaching,  and  the  deli- 
cacy of  sentiment,  feeling,  and  expression  that 
pervade  these  tales  make  these  wonderful  crea- 
tions not  only  attractive  to  the  yonng,  but  equally 
acceptable  to  those  of  mature  years,  who  are  able 
to  understand  their  real  significance  and  appre- 
ciate the  depth  of  their  meaning. 

GRANDFATHERS  CHAIR:  A  HISTORY  FOR  YOUTH. 
By  Nathaniel  Hawthorne.  With  60  Illustrations. 
The  story  of  America  from  the  landing  of  the 
Puritans  to  the  acknowledgment  without  resorve 
of  the  Independence  of  the  United  States,  told 
with  all  the  elegance,  simplicity,  grace,  clearness, 
and  force  for  which  Hawthorns  Is  conspicuously 
noted. 


ALTEMUS'  DEVOTIONAL  SERIES. 


Standard    Religions    Literature  Appropriately    Bound   in 

Handy  Volume  Size.      Each  Volume  contAlns 

Illuminated  Title,   Portrait  of  Author, 

and   Appropriate  Illustrations. 


White  Vellum,  Oold  and  Monotinta,  Boxed,  eaoh  60  cents. 


KEPT  FOR  THE  MASTER'S  USB,  by  Frances  Rid- 
ley Havergal.    "Will  perpetuate  her  name." 

MY  KING  AND  HIS  SERVICE,  OR  DAILY 
THOUGHTS  FOR  THE  KING'S  CHILDREN. 
by  Frances  Ridley  Havergal.  "Simple,  tender, 
gentle,  and  full  of  Christian  love." 

MY  POINT  OF  VIEW.  Selections  from  the  works 
of  Professor  Henry  Drummond. 

OP  THE  IMITATION  OF  CHRIST,  by  Thomas 
A'Kempls.  "With  the  exception  of  the  Bible  It  is 
probably  the  book  most  read  in  Christian  litera- 
ture." 

ADDRESSES,  by  Professor  Henry  Drummond.  "In- 
telligent sympathy  with  the  Christian's  need." 


HENRY  ALTEMUS'   PUBLICATIONS. 


Altemos'  Devotional  Series — CoBtinoed. 
Price,  50  cents  each. 


6  NATURAL  LAW  IN  THE  SPIRITUAL  WORLD,  by 
Professor  Henry  Drummoud.  "A  most  notable 
book  which  has  earned  for  the  author  a  world- 
wide reputation." 

T  ADDRHSSEg,  by  the  Rt.  Rev.  PhllllM  Brooks.  "Has 
exerted  a  marked  influeuce  over  the  rising  gener- 
ation." 

8  ABIDE  IN  CHRIST.    Thotighte  on  the  Blessed  Life 

of  Fellowship  with  the  Son  of  God.  By  the  Rev. 
Andrew  Murray.  "It  cannot  fall  t«  stimulate  and 
cheer."— Spurgeon. 

9  LIKE    CHRIST.    Thoughts   on    the    Blessed    Life    of 

Conformity  to  the  Son  of  God.  By  the  Rev.  An- 
drew Murray.  A  sequel  to  "Abide  in  Christ." 
"Mny  be  read  with  comfort  and  edification  by 
all." 

10  WITH    CHRIST    IN   THE    SCHOOL   OF    PRAYER, 

by  the  Rev.  Andrew  Murray.  "The  best  work  on 
prayer  In  the  language." 

11  HOLY  IN  CHRIST.  Thoughts  on  the  calling  of  God's 

Children  to  be  Holy  as  He  Is  Holy.  By  the  Rev. 
Andrew  Murray.  "This  sacred  theme  Is  treated 
Scrlpturally  and  robustly  without  spurious  senti- 
mentallsm." 

12  THE  MANLINESS  OF  CHRIST,  by  Thomas  Hughee, 

author  of  "Tom  Brown's  School  Days,"  etc.  "Evi- 
dences of  the  subllmest  courage  and  manliness  in 
the  boyhood,  ministry,  and  In  the  last  acts  of 
Christ's  life." 

18  ADDRESSES  TO  YOUNG  MEN,  by  the  Rev.  Henry 
Ward  Beecher.  Seven  addresses  on  common  vices 
and  their  results. 

14  THE  PATHWAY  OF  SAFETY,  by  the  Rt.  Rev. 
Asbton  Osenden,  D.  D.  Some  words  of  advice 
and  encouragement  on  the  text  "What  Must  I 
do  to  be   Saved." 

16  THE  CHRISTIAN  LIFE,  by  the  Rt.  Rev.  Asbton 
Oxenden,  D.  D.  A  beautiful  delineation  of  an 
Ideal  life  from  the  conversion  to  the  final  reward. 

16  THE  THRONE  OF  GRACE.  Before  which  the  bur- 
dened soul  may  cast  Itself  on  the  bosom  of  In- 
finite love  and  enjoy  In  prayer  "a  peace  which 
passeth  all  understanding." 


HENRY  ALTEMUS'   PUBLICATIONS. 


Altemus'  Devotioaal  Series — Oontinued. 
Price,  60  cents  each. 


IT  THE  PATHWAY  OP  PROMISE,  by  the  author  of 
"The  Tbroue  of  Grace."  Thoaghts  eonsokitory 
and  encouraging  to  the  Christian  plUgrim  as  h* 
Journeys  onward  to  his  heavenly  home. 

18  THE    IMPHEGNABLE    ROCK    OF    HOLY    SCRIP- 

TURE, by  the  Rt.  Hon.  William  Ewart  Gladstone, 
M.  P.  The  most  mastorly  defence  of  the  truths 
ef  the  Bible  extant.  The  author  says:  The  Chris- 
tian Faith  and  the  Holy  Scriptures  arm  us  with 
the  means  of  neutralizing  the  assaults  cf  evil  In 
and  from  ourselTcs. 

19  STEPS  INTO  THE  BLESSED  LIFE,  by  the  Rev.  F. 

li.  Meyer,  B.  A.  A  powerful  help  towards  sanc- 
tlflcatlon. 

20  THE   MESSAGE  OF  PEACE,   by   the  Rev.   Richard 

W.  Church,  D.  D.  Eight  excellent  sermons  on 
thtt  advent  of  the  Babe  of  Bethlehem  and  his  In- 
fluence and  eftect  on  the  world. 

21  JOHN  PLOUGHMAN'S  TALK,  by  the  BeT.  Cbarlei 

H.  Spurgeon. 

22  JOHN    PLOUGHMAN'S    PICTURES,    by    the    ReT. 

Charles  H.   Spurgeon. 

23  THE    CHANGED    CROSS;    AND    OTHBK    RELIG- 

IOUS POEMS. 

24  GOLD   DUST.     A  collection  of  Golden  Counsels  for 

the  Snnctification  of  Daily  Life.    Edited  by  Char- 
.  lotte  M.   Yonge. 

25  DAILY    FOOD   FOR  CHRISTIANS.     Being  a  Prom- 

ise and  another  Scriptural  portion  for  every  day 
In  the  year;  together  with  the  Verse  of  a  Hymn. 

26  PEEP  OF  DAY.    Or  a  Series  of  the   Earliest  Relig- 

ious Instruction  the  Infant  Mind  Is  Capable  of 
Reeelvlng. 

27  LINE  UPON  LINE.    Or  a  second  Series  of  the  Ear- 

liest Religious  Instruction  the  Infant  Mind  is  Ca- 
pable of  Receiving. 

28  PRECEPT     UPON     PRECEPT,    By    the    author    of 

"The  Peep  of  Day."  "Line  Upon  Line,"  "Pre- 
cept Upon   Precept,"   etc. 

29  THE  PRINCE  OF  THE  HOUSE  OF  DAVID,  by  the 

Rev.  J.  H.  Ingraham. 

80  JESSICAS  FIRST  PRAYER  AND  JESSICA'S 
MOTHER,  by  Lesba  Stretton. 


HENRY  ALTEMUS'   PUBLICATIONS. 


ALTEMUS'   NEW  ILLUSTRATED  VADEMECUM 
SERIES. 


Masterpieces  of  English  and  American  Literature,  Handj 

Volume  Size,  Large  Type  Editions.     Each  Volume 

Contains  Illuminated  Title  Pages,  and  Portrait 

of  Author  and  Numerous  Eng;rayings. 


Fall  cloth,  ivory  finish,  ornamental  inlaid  sides  and  back, 
boxed,  40  cents. 


1  CRANFORD.  by  Mrs.  Gaskell. 

2  A  WINDOW  IN  THRUMS,  by  J.  M.  Barrle. 

t    RAB  AND  HIS  FRIENDS,   MARJORIES  FLBMINQ, 
ETC.,  by  John  Brown,  M.  D. 

4    THE    VICAR    OF    WAKEFIELD,    by    Oliver    Gold- 
smith. 

6  THE   IDLE   THOUGHTS   OF   AN   IDLE   FELLOW, 

by  Jerome  K.  Jerome.    "A  book  for  an  Idle  holi- 
day." 

•  TALES  FROM  SHAKSPEARE,  by  Charles  and  Mary 

Lamb,   with   an   introduction   by   the   Rev.    Alfred 
AInger,  M.  D. 

7  SESAME  AND  LILIES,  by  John  Ruskln. 

Three  Lectures— I.  Of  the  King's  Treasures.    II. 
Of  Queen's  Garden.    III.  Of  the  Mystery  of  Life. 

•  TfiB    ETHICS    OF    THE    DUST,    by    John    Ruskln. 

Ten  lectures  to  little  housewives  on  the  element* 
of  crystalizatlon. 

»    THE  PLEASURES  OF  LIFE,  by  Sir  John  Lubbock. 
Complete  In  one  volume. 

10  THE  SCARLET  LETTER,  by  Nathaniel  Hawthorne. 

11  THE   HOUSE   OF   THE   SEVEN   GABLES,    by    Na- 

thaniel Hawthorne. 

12  MOSSES    FROM    AN    OLD    MANSE,    by    Nathaniel 

Hawthorne. 

18    TWICE  TOLD  TALES,  by  Nathaniel  Hawthorne. 

14    THE  ESSAYS  OF  FRANCIS  (LORD)  BACON  WITH 
MEMOIRS  AND  NOTES. 

16    ESSAYS,  First  Series,  by  Ralph  Waldo  Emerson. 

1<    BSBATS,  Second  Series,  by  Ralph  Waldo  Emerson. 


HENRY  ALTEMUS*   PUBLICATIONS. 


AlteBiu'  N«w  Illustrated  Vademecum  Serial— Coatinaed. 
Price,  40  centa  each. 


17  RBPRESBNTATIVE  MEN,  by  Ralph  Waldo  Emer- 
8on.  Mental  portraits  each  representing  a  claaa. 
1.  The  Philosopher.  2.  The  Mystic.  3.  The  Skep- 
tic. 4.  The  Poet.  5.  The  Man  of  the  World.  6. 
The  Writer. 

IS  THOUGHTS  OF  THE  EMPEROR  MARGDS  AURB- 
LIUS  ANTONINUS,   translated  by  Qeorge  Lonf. 

If  THE  DISCOURSES  OF  EPICTETUS  WITH  THII 
ENCHIRIDION,  translated  by  George  Long. 

M  OF  THE  IMITATION  OF  CHRIST,  by  Thomaa 
A'Kempls.    Four  books  complete  in  one  Tolnme. 

51  ADDRESSES,  by  Professor  Henry  Drummond.    Tht 

Greatest  Thing  In  the  World;  Pax  Voblscam;  Tha 
Changed  Life;  How  to  Learn  How;  Dealing  With 
Doubt;  Preparation  for  Learning;  What  is  a 
Christian;  The  Study  of  the  Bible;  A  Talk  on 
Books. 

22  LETTERS,  SENTENCES  MfD  MAXIMS,  by  L*rd 
Chesterfield.  Masterpieces  of  good  taste,  good 
writing,  and  good  sense. 

28  REVERIES  OF  A  BACHBLOR.  A  book  of  tha 
heart.    By  Ik  Marrei. 

24  DREAM  LIFE,  by  Ik  Marrei.  A  companion  to  "Ber- 
eries  of  a  Bachelor." 

36    SARTOR  RBSARTUS,  by  Thomas  Carlyle. 

26  HEROES  AND  HERO  WORSHIP,  by  ThoMaa  Oar< 

lyle. 

27  UNCLB  TOM'S  CABIN,  by  Harriet  Beecher  Stowe. 

28  ESSAYS  OF  BLIA,  by  Charlea  Lamb. 

28  MY  POINT  OF  VIEW.  RepresenUtlre  selections 
from  the  works  of  Professor  Henry  Drummond 
by  William  Shepard. 

80  THE  SKETCH  BOOK,  by  Washington  IrTlng.    Com- 

plete. 

81  KEPT  FOR  THE  MASTER'S  USB,  by  Frances  Bid- 

ley  Harergai. 

52  LUCILE,   by  Owen   Meredith. 

88    LALLA  ROOKH,  by  Thomas  Moore. 

84    THE  LADY  OF  THE   LAKE,   by   Sir  Waiter  Scott. 

88    MARMION,  by  Sir  Walter  Scott. 


HENRY  ALTEMUS'   PUBLICATIONS. 


Altemua'  New  Illustrated  Yademecum  Series — Continaed. 
Price,  40  centa  each. 


M    THE    PRINCESS;    AND    MAUD,    by    Alfred    (Lord) 
Tennyson. 

87  CHILDB  HAROLD'S  PILGRIMAGE,  by  Lord  Byron. 
SS    IDYLBS  OF  THE  KING,  by  Alfred  (Lord)  Tennyson. 

88  EVANGELINE,  by  Henry  Wadsworth  LongfeHow. 

40  VOICES   OF   THE   NIGHT    AND    OTHER    POEMS, 

by  Henry  Wadsworth  Longfellow. 

41  THE  BELFRY  OF  BRUGES  AND  OTHER  POEMS, 

by  Henry  Wadsworth  Longfellow. 

42  THE   QUEEN    OF   THE    AIR,    by   John    Ruskln.    A 

stndy  of  the  Greek  myths  of  cloud  and  storm. 

48    POEMS,  Volume  I,  by  John  Greenleaf  Whittler. 

44    POEMS,  Volume  II,  by  John  Greenleaf  Whittler. 

48    THE  RAVEN;  AND  OTHER  POEMS,  by  Edgar  Al- 
lan Poe. 

46  THANATOPSIS;  AND  OTHER  POEMS,  by  William 

Gullen  Bryant. 

47  THE  LAST  LEAF;  AND  OTHER  POEMS,  by  Oliver 

Wendell  Holmes. 

48  THE    HEROES    OR    GREEK    FAIRY    TALES,    by 

Charles  KIngsley. 

49  A  WONDER  BOOK,  by  Nathaniel  Hawthorne. 

60  UNDINE,  by  de  La  Motte  Fouquo. 

61  ADDRESSES,  by  the  Rt.  Rev.  Phillips  Brooks. 

62  BALZAC'S     SHORTER     STORIES,    by    Honore    de 

Balzac. 
68    TWO    YEARS    BEFORE    THE    MAST,    by    Richard 

H.  Dana,  Jr. 
64    BENJAMIN  FRANKLIN.    An  autobiography. 
66    THE  LAST  ESSAYS  OF  ELIA,  by  Charles  Lamb. 

66  TOM     BROWN'S     SCHOOL     DAYS,     by     Thomas 

Hughes. 

67  WEIRD  TALES,  by  Edgar  Allen  Poe. 

68  THE  CROWN  OF   WILD  OLIVE,  by  John   Ruskln. 

Three  lectures  on  Work,  Traffic  and  War. 
60    NATURAL  LAW  IN  TB  SPIRITUAL   WORLD,  by 

Professor  Henry  Drummond. 
60    ABBE  CONSTANTIN,  by  Ludovic  Halevy. 
•1    MANON  LESCAUT,  by  Abbe  Prevost. 


HENRY  ALTEMUS'   PUBLICATIONS. 


Altemus'  New  Illustrated  Vademecum  Series— Continaed. 
Price,  40  cents  each. 


t2  THE  ROMANCE  OP  A  POOR  YOUNG  MAN,  bj 

Octave  Feulllet. 

68    BLACK  BEAUTY,  by  Anna  Sewell. 

64  CAMILLE,  by  Alexander  Dumas,  Jr. 

65  THE  LIGHT  OP  ASIA,  by  Sir  Edwin  Arnold. 

•6    THE  LAYS  OP  ANCIBNT  ROMS,  by  Thomas  Ba^ 
ington  Macaulay. 

67  THE    CONFESSIONS    OP    AN    ENGLISH    OPIUM- 

EATER,  by  Thomas  De  Quincey. 

68  TREASURE  ISLAND,  by  Robert  L.  Stevenson. 
68    CARMEN,  by  Prosper  Merlmee. 

70  A  SENTIMENTAL  JOURNEY,  by  Laurence  Sterne. 

71  THE  BLITHEDALB  ROMANCE,  by  Nathaniel  Haw- 

thorne. 

72  BAB    BALLADS,   AND   SAVOY   SONGS,   by   W.    H. 

Gilbert. 

78    PANCHON,  THE  CRICKET,  by  George  Sand. 

74  POEMS,  by  James  Russell  Lowell. 

75  JOHN  PLOUGHMANS  TALK,  by  the  Rev.  Charles 

H.  Spurgeon. 

76  JOHN    PLOUGHMAN'S    PICTURES,    by    the    Ber. 

Charles  H.  Spurgeon. 

77  THE  MANLINESS  OP  CHRIST,  by  Thomas  Hughes. 

78  ADDRESSES  TO  YOUNG  MEN,  by  the  Rev.  Henry 

Ward  Beecher. 

79  THE  AUTOCRAT  OF  THE  BREAKFAST  TABLB. 

by  Oliver  Wendell  Holmes. 

80  MULVANEY  STORIES,  by  Rudyard  KlpUng. 

81  BALLADS,  by  Rudyard  Kipling. 

82  MORNING  THOUGHTS,  by  Praaces  Ridley  Haver- 

gal. 

85  TEN  NIGHTS  IN  A  BAR  ROOM,  by  T.  S.  Arthar. 

84    EVENING  THOUGHTS,  by  Frances  Ridley  Havar- 
gal. 

86  IN  MEMORIAM,  by  Alfred  (Lord)  Tennyson. 

86  COMING  TO  CHRIST,  by  Frances  Ridley  Havergal. 

87  HOUSE  OP  THE  WOLF,  by  Stanley  Weyman. 


ALTEMU8'  ETERNAL  LIFE  SERIES-Continued. 


87    PAX  VOBISCUM,  by  Henry  Drummand. 

S8    THE  CHANUED  LIFE,  by  Henry  Urummond. 

»    PIKST  I  A  TALK  WITH  BOYS,  by  Henry  Unimmond. 


ALTEMUS'  BELLES-LETTRES  SERIES. 


A.  collection  of  Essays  and  Addresses  by  Eminent  English 

and  Amerioan   Authors,   beautifully  printed 

and  daintily  bound,   with  original 

designs  in  silver  inks. 


Price,  25  cents  per  volume. 

1  hKDEPENDEKCB  DAY,  by  ReT.  Edward  E.  Hal*. 

S  THE SCHOL AKIN  POLITICS,  by  Hon.  Richard  OIney. 

t  THE  YOUN»  MAN  IN  BUSINESS,  by  Edward  W.  Bok. 

4  THE  YOUNG  MAN  AXU  THE  OHUKCH.  by  Edward  W.  Bok. 

5  THE  81'OILS  SYSTEM,  by  Hon.  Carl  Schmrz. 

6  CONVERSATION,  by  Thomas  DeQulnecy. 

7  SWEETNESS  AND  LIGHT,  by  Matthew  Arnold. 
S  WORK,  by  John  Rusklu. 

9  N  ATnJKE  AND  A RT.  by  Ralph  Waldo  Emerson. 

10    THE  USE  AND  .MISUSE  OF  BOOKS,  by  Frederic  Harrison. 

U    THE  MONBOE  DOCTRINE  :     ITS  ORIGIN,    MEANING    AND 

APPfalCATION,  by  Prof.  John  Bach  McMaster  (University  of 

Penntylraiila) 

U  THB  DB3TINY  OF  MAN,  by  Sir  John  Lubbock. 

U  LOVE  AND  FRIENDSHIP,  by  Ralph  Waldo  Emerson. 

U  RIP  VAN  WINKLE,  by  Washington  Irrlng. 

U  ART,  POETRY  AND  MUSIC,  by  Sir  John  Lubbock. 

16  THE  CHOICE  OF  BOOKS,  by  Sir  John  Lubbock. 

17  MANNERS,  by  Ralph  Waklo  Emerson. 

IS   CHAKACTER,  by  Ralph  Waldo  Emerson. 

n   THE  LEGEND  or  SLEEPY  HOLLOW,  by  Wastoington  Irrlng. 

20  THE  BEAUTIES  OF  NATURE,  by  Sir  John  Lubbock. 

21  SELF  RELIANCE,  hy  Ralph  Waldo  Ewersuu. 

22  THE  DI.'TY  OK  HAPPINESS,  by  Sir  John  Lubbock. 
Zi    SPIRITUAL  LAW^,  by  Ralpli  Waldo  Eiuersoiu 

24    OLD  CHRISTMAS,  by  Watihlngtou  Irrlug. 

28    HEALTH,  WEALTH  AND  THE  BLF^HaiNf*  OF  FRLENSS,  by 

Sir  John  Lubbock. 

26  INTELLECT,  by  Ralph  Waldo  Emerson. 

27  WHY  AMERICANS  DiSLIKE  ENGLAND?  by  Prof.  Q«erM  B. 

Adami  (Yal«). 

28  THB  HIGHER  EDUCATION  AS  A  TRAINING  FOR  BUSINESS. 

by  ProX.  Harry  Pratt  Judson  (Unlverilty  of  Chicago), 
at    MISS TOOSEY'S  MISSION. 

10  LADDIE. 

n   J.  iX>L%  by  Emnaia  •oUlttraad. 


i     UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY,  LOS  ANGELES 

j  COLLEGE  LIBRARY 

I  This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below. 


nov  t^^ 


;   Mh   '8li4DAY 
,JUN  3    81  HiC 


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Book  Slip — Series  1. 


UCLA-Coll«g«  Library 

PR  4713  B1 1896 

|i  II  HI nu  I  III II  nil  I  III  Mini  llllll|l|lllll 


L  005  694  1 79  2 


PH 
"-§C\  %        1896 


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LIB  i 


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